


Life after you

by Laughingvirus



Category: Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: AU, M/M, sci-fi elements maybe, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-07-24 06:17:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7497279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laughingvirus/pseuds/Laughingvirus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hojoon is never the same and Sangdo was a mistake only meant to happen once.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Don't look down (if you're afraid)

Small button nose, soft and round face, small pouty lips, big round eyes and a mop of silver, almost white hair. Hojoon sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and turned away from the mirror.  


He looked like a child. He sighed again before he turned away from the mirror and left the bathroom. He was 26 years old but looked like a teenager. When he got to the kitchen table, he picked up the ID-card, staring at it. He had to make sure to bring it with him tonight, because they would surely ask for his ID-card at the club.  


He looked around his apartment, taking a moment to just take in how silent it was. Growing up with two younger brothers, Hojoon was used to a lot of noise and when he was younger, he was never bored. But after he had moved out, everything was just so quiet and he had realized just how lonely he was.  


Because of this, Hojoon began to go out during the weekends, to get some sort of social interaction. His brothers stopped by fairly often to keep him company, but they weren’t enough and Hojoon had troubles making friends. He wasn't that kind of person.  


Clubbing was nice, it was light-hearted fun and sometimes Hojoon followed someone home to warm their bed. The first time it was a bit scary, but as he continued to do it, Hojoon realized that this was what he was longing for. Physical contact.  


Slowly caressing someone's back, hugging someone, kissing, it made Hojoon feel all warm inside. He enjoyed sex a lot, it was probably one of the best feelings in the world but something he didn't want, ever, was to commit to just one person. He couldn't. If he did, that person would just end up leaving him and he would be a heartbroken mess. He had to protect himself carefully.  


Touching, kissing, biting, fucking, all that were okay but feelings were dangerous.  


Hojoon placed down the ID-card on the table and let out a sigh. He had to get back to work if he even wanted to go out tonight. But in order to work, he had to get some coffee.

 

 

 

 

  


Hojoon's plan hadn't been to follow someone home tonight, but he still found himself in the arm of a stranger, fingers desperately trying to undo his shirt as they made their way to get a cab.  


"You're so cute," the guy mumbled as they got into the cab, helping Hojoon with the seatbelt. Hojoon could feel his cheek flush a little and he fiddled with his fingers as he stared at the guy. He was tall, broad chest and wide shoulders with dark eyes and a very handsome face. His hair was chocolate brown and it looked so soft. Hojoon sort of wanted to run his fingers through it. "What's your name?" he asked, reaching out to take Hojoon's hand and Hojoon's heart didn't stutter. Maybe a little. But he usually reacted like this when he was with other people, because he was normally so deprived of human contact.  


"Hojoon," he replied as the cab stopped. The stranger quickly paid the driver before getting out of the car. The other guy pulled Hojoon towards the apartment complex, to the elevator.  


"I'm Sangdo," he said, his voice low and he leaned down to kiss Hojoon as he pressed the button for the elevator. Oh god he was really hot, Hojoon thought as he moved his lips against Sangdo's.  


"You're handsome," Hojoon mumbled, bringing his hands up to fumble with Sangdo’s buttons. This time he managed to open two of them before the elevator doors opened and Sangdo all but carried Hojoon inside the elevator. “Strong too,” he continued as Sangdo leaned down to kiss his neck. Sangdo wrapped a hand around Hojoon’s thin wrist when the elevator came to a stop.  


“Your bracelet is pretty,” he commented as he began to fumble with his keys. Hojoon’s eyes fell down on his wrist, at his bracelet. “What does it say?” he asked.  


“Hojoon,” he said just as Sangdo unlocked the door.  


“I like your name,” Sangdo said as he pulled Hojoon inside his apartment, “and you. I like you.”  


“Good,” Hojoon mumbled, tugging at Sangdo’s collar to get him to lean down a little. “I like you too,” he continued, pressing his lips against Sangdo’s. Sangdo placed a hand on Hojoon’s waist, bringing him closer to him. Hojoon felt really small, pressed against Sangdo’s chest but he kind of liked that. Hojoon moved a little, placing his lips on Sangdo’s neck and  began to work on a hickey.  
  
  
“God,” Sangdo breathed when Hojoon grazed his bruised skin with his teeth.  


He reached up to grab Sangdo’s collar, gently tugging at it to get Sangdo to lean down so Hojoon could kiss him. As Sangdo slowly moved his lips against Hojoon’s, Hojoon began to undo Sangdo's white button up shirt. When he finally had undone all buttons he pushed the shirt off Sangdo's broad shoulders, action slow so that he could just feel Sangdo's smooth skin under his palms. He tossed the shirt to the floor, running a hand over Sangdo’s flat stomach.  


“We should take this to the bed,” Sangdo mumbled as he helped Hojoon take off his jacket. Hojoon just hummed, allowing Sangdo to pull him to the bedroom. The room was dark and Hojoon licked his lips before starting to undo Sangdo’s pants. As he did, Sangdo leaned down to press his lips against Hojoon’s neck, sucking another hickey there. Hojoon swallowed, arousal coiling in his gut.  


“God,” he mumbled, pushing down Sangdo’s pants. He eyed Sangdo from head to toe, licking his dry lips. Sangdo straightened his back, gripping the hem of Hojoon’s shirt before pulling it over his head. Hojoon shivered a little as Sangdo undid his pants, pushing them down his hips along with his underwear.  


"You're handsome," Sangdo said and Hojoon could feel his cheeks warm up a little.  


"You too," he said and sent Sangdo a grin. "But you would look hotter if you were fucking me," he continued, watching as Sangdo's adam's apple bobbed.  


"Lay down on the bed," he said and Hojoon was more than happy to obey. The sheets were soft against his skin and he bit his bottom lip as he watched Sangdo take off his boxers. Shit he was hot. Sangdo got on the bed, settling between Hojoon’s spread legs. His hands were cold against Hojoon’s warm thighs but Hojoon didn’t mind.  


He slid his hands up to Hojoon’s hips and leaned down, pressing his lips against Hojoon's thigh, sucking gently. Hojoon let out a sigh, closing his eyes. It felt good. So good.  


Sangdo began to slowly move higher, pressing kisses up Hojoon's inner thigh to his hip. "Oh god," Hojoon breathed as Sangdo sucked a mark on the skin over his hipbone. His hips jerked but Sangdo held him down. Hojoon let out a shaky breath as Sangdo moved higher, trailing open mouthed kisses up his flat stomach to his chest.  


Hojoon arched his back a little as Sangdo wrapped his lips around his nipple, a gasp slipping past his lips. Sangdo ran his hand up Hojoon’s side, leaving Hojoon’s skin feeling hot, gently thumbing Hojoon’s other nipple and Hojoon let out a low moan, feeling Sangdo grin against his skin. God it felt so good.  


After a moment Sangdo let go of his nipple and moved to Hojoon’s neck, sucking a hickey. When he pulled back, Hojoon was slightly out of breath, his chest rising and falling rapidly. He looked like he wanted to say something but Hojoon wrapped his arms around Sangdo’s neck, pulling him down to kiss him. "How do you want to do this?" Sangdo asked, as they parted.  
  
“I want you to fuck me,” Hojoon whispered, letting go of Sangdo’s neck and sliding both his hands down Sangdo’s arms, giving his biceps a little squeeze.  


“Have you bottomed before?”  


Hojoon nodded, swallowing as he stared at Sangdo. "It's been a while though," he said, sly grin on his lips and nervousness swirling in his stomach. "You have to help me stretch." Sangdo swallowed again, Hojoon could see his adam’s apple bobbing, but he nodded and moved a bit closer, leaning over Hojoon to pull out the drawer on the nightstand. He took out a small bottle of lube and a condom.  


Hojoon licked his lips, excitement slowly building up in his stomach. He watched as Sangdo opened the bottle, pouring some lube on his fingers. "You're slow," he commented and Sangdo chuckled, placing a warm hand on Hojoon's thigh to spread his legs. His simple touch made excitement and nervousness coil in Hojoon’s gut. Sangdo moved even closer so that he was sitting between Hojoon's legs.  


Hojoon let out a little gasp as Sangdo gently pushed one finger inside him. It had been a while since he'd been with anyone so it felt a bit weird but not uncomfortable.  


"You okay?" Sangdo asked and Hojoon nodded. One finger was nothing. Another finger was pushed inside and Hojoon swallowed. "Still good?"  


"Just peachy," Hojoon replied and Sangdo chuckled. "Now continue," he said and Sangdo hummed, slowly beginning to work his fingers in and out of Hojoon. A third finger was added and Hojoon let out a moan as Sangdo's fingers brushed over his prostate. "Oh god just fuck me," he said and Sangdo pulled out his fingers. Hojoon's breathing was a bit labored and he raised himself on his elbows to watch as Sangdo opened the small condom package and rolled the condom down his hard cock. "You're so fucking hot," he whispered and Sangdo glanced at him, grin on his lips.  


"Thank you," he said, "you're not so bad yourself." He placed a hand on Hojoon's thigh again and Hojoon swallowed. He stared at Sangdo, licking his lips again before Sangdo slowly pushed inside. Sangdo wasn’t as big as the last guy Hojoon had bottomed for, but he sure didn’t disappoint.  


"Oh god," he breathed, dropping down on his back again.  


"Is it good?" Sangdo asked, moving his hands from Hojoon's thigh to his hips, holding him down. Hojoon glanced up at Sangdo, swallowing. He looked even hotter like this, slightly out of breath, his hair messy and starting to stick to his sweaty forehead.  


"Yes," he said, voice a bit choked. It felt so damn good. "Oh my god yes." Sangdo rolled his hips a little and Hojoon inhaled sharply. So good, but he needed more. "More," he begged, voice strained. "Move."  


Sangdo hummed, slowly beginning to move and Hojoon let out a moan, hands grabbing the sheets. Oh god. Sangdo ran his hands up his chest, leaving a trail of fire behind. This felt even better than last time Hojoon got laid.  
  
  
“God you’re gorgeous,” Sangdo said, voice husky, leaning down a little to press his lips against Hojoon’s neck. Hojoon slowly let go of the sheets, moving his hands to grip Sangdo’s shoulders. His grip tightened, nails digging into Sangdo’s skin, as Sangdo continued to rock his hips against him and slowly work on a hickey on his neck. Hojoon’s breath hitched, his hips buckling a little.  


He was damn close now.  
  
  
He clenched down around Sangdo’s cock, coming on his own stomach with a weak cry, his head tilting back. “Oh my god,” he breathed, his chest moving up and down. He looked at Sangdo, swallowing hard. “Fuck you’re so hot,” he said, feeling Sangdo’s thrusts stutter.   
  
  
Sangdo let out a groan as he came, his nose scrunching and Hojoon couldn’t help but think that he was quite cute. Yes he did look hot, sweaty and all that, but that facial expression as he came was pretty cute. Hojoon wouldn’t mind seeing it again.

  


 

 

 

Hojoon stared at the roof, at the small glow in the dark stars. Cute, he thought and smiled. Sangdo seemed like a nice person, like someone Hojoon could have been friends with. Too bad Hojoon didn’t make friends.  


Beside him, Sangdo had fallen asleep, his breathing even. Hojoon looked to the side, just silently staring at Sangdo’s face.  


Hojoon sighed, shifting carefully in bed so that Sangdo wouldn’t wake up. He would have liked to stay the night, maybe have breakfast with Sangdo, but he couldn’t. The curfew he had given himself was at least before five. He never stayed the whole night with someone, just in case. He couldn't afford people finding out about him.  


As he got dressed, he glanced at the clock. 3am. Good. That would give him enough time to get home in safety. He quickly collected all his things, wallet, phone, wristband clock, making sure he didn’t forget anything and headed towards the door. He could hear a rustle from Sangdo’s bedroom as he left and he just prayed Sangdo didn’t wake up.  


Seemed like he didn’t, because Hojoon could hear a sigh and then it became quiet. He breathed out quietly, quickly putting on his shoes before leaving the apartment.

 

 

 

 

  


Hojoon cracked an eye open as his phone beeped. Then it beeped again… and again. He groaned and reached for his phone, his eyes barely open. The time was 7.45am, way too early for him to be awake.  


Opening his phone, Hojoon could see at least 10 new messages from Hansol. Hansol was the closest thing to a friend he had. They usually talked to each other daily, exchanging short messages about their days and such. It was nice and Hansol never pressured Hojoon about sharing pictures. Hansol sent some selfies every now and then and Hojoon had to admit that they did make him feel kind of good. It was like an assurance that Hansol was real, not just something Hojoon had made up in his loneliness. Becoming friends with Hansol was probably the best thing Hojoon had ever done.

 

HS: hojoon

HS: hey hojoon

HS: hey

HS: dude this is important

HS: wake up

HS: this is important

 

Hojoon groaned again, rubbing his eyes.

 

HJ: what hansol?

HJ: let me sleep

HS: wow someone woke up on the wrong side today

HJ: yes, the phone woke me up

HS: don't u wake up at like six every morning

HJ: yeah but I got home at like 4 yesterday

HS: ooooh

HS: did u get laid?

HJ: yes I did

HS: oh, nice

 

Hojoon sat up in bed, rubbing his eye. He was awake now and there was no point in staying in bed, even though it was a Sunday. He let his phone lay in front of him as he stretched his arms above his head, groaning over how stiff he was.  


He looked at his hands. They had been almost childlike yesterday, small and soft, but today they were bigger and the skin was a lot rougher. He reached for his phone again, taking it with him to the bathroom. He turned on the lights, rubbing his eyes before looking himself in the mirror.  


Every day was the same. He woke up, he went to the mirror and every morning, he was staring at a different person. Hojoon didn't know what it was, or why it happened, it just did. It had started when he was about nine years old and he had just changed appearance once a week. As he grew older, the changing got more frequent until he changed every day.  


The hickey on his neck was still there, blooming purple on his smooth skin. Hojoon tilted his head a little, eyeing the hickey in the mirror. He was thankful that bruises and such never disappeared as he changed. It helped him remember.  


He took a step back, taking in his full appearance. He looked completely different from yesterday. Yesterday he had been short, frail and soft looking. Today he had a rather defined jaw, strong eyebrows and broad shoulders. He ran a hand through his black hair, ruffling it a little.  


To be honest, he felt rather uncomfortable like this. This wasn’t him. He quickly looked away from the mirror, sighing deeply.

 

HS: anyway

HS: Byungjoo and I are engaged

HJ: congratulations

HJ: when’s the wedding?

HS: thank u!

HS: nothing decided yet

HS: probably next year or smth

HS: u will have to come to my wedding tho

HS: i need a best man

 

Hojoon sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He would never be able to come to Hansol’s wedding. Not like this. Even though he wanted to be there for Hansol, he couldn’t. He decided to just quickly change the subject.

 

HJ: so when did he propose

HJ: and how?

HS: in bed

HS: not very romantic at all

HS: but it was very… Byungjoo

HJ: I see

HS: yeah

HS: I woke up and he just kind of mumbled a sleepy ‘I was going to ask you to marry me yesterday but I forgot’ to me

HS: He’s dumb

HJ: but he’s in love with you

HS: yeah I know, I love him too

 

Hojoon smiled as he left the bed and headed towards the kitchen. He had been friends with Hansol for over four years now and he had been following Hansol and Byungjoo’s lovestory from the beginning. He was happy for Hansol. A bit jealous maybe, but mostly happy.

 

HJ: are you happy?

HS: yes

HS: yes I am very happy

HS: why do u ask?

HJ: I just want to make sure you’re happy

HS: I don’t think I could be happier

HJ: good

HJ: that makes me happy

 

Hojoon placed his phone to the side, so he could make himself some breakfast. He didn’t feel too well after yesterday’s adventure with a one-night stand, alcohol and barely any sleep. Maybe he should just nap today, he had nothing to do anyway.

 

He took out a pan and the package of eggs, placing the pan on the stove and the eggs on the counter. His stomach released a monster growl and he tried to get the eggs in the pan as fast as possible. He didn’t really reflect over how hungry he was until now. As the eggs were frying, he began brewing some coffee. He needed something to keep him alive. Coffee and egg, perfect breakfast.

 

HS: so how was last night

HJ: good

HJ: really good

HJ: i have a bit of a hangover rn but i guess thats ok

HS: how was the sex

HJ: good  
  
Hojoon turned his attention from his phone, to his breakfast. He didn’t have the energy to fuck it up and redo it, so he just had to make sure it went well the first time. He flipped the eggs, glancing at his phone.

 

HS: you can't leave me with that

HS: ‘good’

HS: isn't that what u say about every guy u have sex with??????

HS: ‘good’, ‘it was good’, ‘he was good’, ‘I had a good time’

HS: some variation please

 

Hojoon rolled his eyes, taking the pan off the stove and moving the eggs to a plate. He placed his phone on his pocket, taking his plate and his coffee cup, heading towards the living room. When he'd sat down in the couch, he picked up his phone again.

 

HS: don't ignore me Hojoon

HJ: I'm not ignoring u

HJ: I made breakfast

HJ: but idk it was nice? I liked it, he was handsome and fucked me good, okay?

HS: sounds nice

HJ: it was

 

Hojoon quickly locked his phone, tossing it to the side before leaning back in the couch, staring at the TV. It was completely black and he didn’t bother to turn it on. He sighed, rubbing his face. He didn’t want to continue to sleep around like this, he wanted to be like Hansol, falling in love with someone and maybe… just maybe, get married.  
  
  
He wanted to be normal.   
  
  
He rested his head against the backrest of the couch, sighing again. God why couldn’t he just be normal?

 

 

 

 

 

  


“Are you eating well?” his mother asked through the phone and Hojoon hummed. He felt better now, but still a bit hungover and tired. “Last time I saw you, you looked a bit skinny.”  
  
  
“But that’s just-” Hojoon cut himself off, pinching the bridge of his nose and let out a sigh. He just shouldn't bother arguing about this. “Nevermind. Yeah, I’m eating well.”   
  
  
“Good,” his mom said and an awkward silence slowly settled.   
  
  
“Have you tried any new recipes?” he asked, trying to do something about the silence.   
  
  
“Yes!” his mom said, proceeding to talk about the new recipes that she had tried and told Hojoon that she would send them so he could try them. Hojoon smiled a little. He knew his parents were a bit… uncomfortable with his condition, but he felt thankful that they still tried to keep in contact with him.

  
His two brothers were a different story. When the changes first began, Hojoon had just tried to distance himself from his brothers but they were both so clingy that he had eventually given up. He never left the house with them, but he didn’t shut the door in their faces. When he was still living at home, his brothers were the only reason he didn’t crumble under the weight of his anxiety but when he moved out, everything was starting to become heavy again.   
  
  
“Hojoonie, are you there?” his mom asked and Hojoon snapped out of his thoughts.   
  
  
“Yes, sorry,” he said and his mom just chuckled.   
  
  
“I was saying that I have to go, I have to go and meet a friend,” she said and Hojoon hummed. “Do you want to come over to dinner this weekend?”   
  
  
“That would be nice.”   
  
  
“I’ll text you the time when I’ve talked to your dad, okay?”   
  
  
“Sounds great,” Hojoon said, smile tugging a bit on his lips. “Thanks mom.”   
  
  
“No problem,” she said, laughing again. “I see you later sweetie.”   
  
  
“See you.”

 

 

 

 

 

  


Hojoon cracked an eye open at the sound of his bedroom door opening. The room was still dark but he could see someone entering and he groaned loudly, turning around. He knew exactly who it was.  


“Go away Jiho,” he grumbled as his younger brother began to pull at his blanket. “Let me sleep.”  


“But hyung,” Jiho protested, letting go of the blanket. “I brought breakfast.”  


“I don’t care,” Hojoon mumbled and he could hear Jiho chuckle. The mattress then shifted and Jiho joined Hojoon under the blanket, snuggling close to him. “Let me sleep Jiho,” he repeated as Jiho snuggled even closer.  


“You can sleep if you want,” Jiho said and Hojoon could hear the grin in his voice. “I’m just cuddling with you.”  


“You’re being annoying,” Hojoon said, turning around again to face Jiho, who was grinning so widely, “and please get out of my bed.” He gently kicked Jiho’s shin, raising an eyebrow as Jiho pouted. “Aren’t you supposed to be in class?” he asked as Jiho got out of the bed. He sat up, rubbing his eyes before squinting at Jiho.  


“Class was cancelled today,” Jiho said and Hojoon hummed. “I thought I’d bring you breakfast since I was up anyway.”  


“That’s nice of you Jiho,” Hojoon said as he got out of bed, his joints popping peacefully. Jiho just grinned before leaving Hojoon's bedroom. Hojoon looked down at himself, eyebrows furrowed. He had worn a rather tight shirt to bed but it was too big for him now. He sighed before leaving his bedroom to get breakfast with Jiho.

  
"How’s school?” he asked, sitting down at the table. “Aside from having no class today, is school keeping you busy?”   
  
  
Jiho hummed, his mouth full. “Yeah,” he began, taking a sip of his coffee. “We’ve had some group projects that have been tiring.”   
  
  
Hojoon nodded, leaning back in his chair. Group projects. Sangwon and Jiho always complained about them but Hojoon couldn’t really understand why. Group projects seemed to be lots of fun. Not that he would know since his parents pulled him from school when he was nine, homeschooling him instead. Hojoon had hated homeschooling. It made him feel lonelier and it sure didn’t help his social skills, leading to him having troubles interacting with people outside his family. It did get better though, as time passed and he didn’t have as much of a problem now, but he still hated homeschooling.   
  
  
“Hyung,” Jiho finally broke him out of his thoughts and Hojoon looked up. “Are you listening?”   
  
  
“No, sorry,” he said, grinning sheepishly. “I spaced out. What did you say?”   
  
  
“I said Taeyang asked how you were.” Oh. Taeyang was Jiho’s boyfriend. The complete opposite of Jiho and Hojoon sometimes had troubles understanding how they even got together. Quiet and calm when Jiho was a loud ball of excitement 24/7. “He asked about how you were enjoying America.”  


“Oh.” Hojoon swallowed. He felt terrible for making Jiho lie to his boyfriend but they didn't really have much of a choice. “Tell him it’s good,” he said and Jiho nodded. “I’m… I’m sorry you have to lie like this.”  
  
  
“It’s not your fault, hyung,” Jiho said, offering Hojoon a small smile. Hojoon smiled back, but he still felt horrible. He couldn’t even meet his brother’s boyfriend because of his damn condition. He just wanted to be normal.

 

 

 

 

 

  


Hojoon wasn’t sure how he managed to hook up with the same guy again. It had never happened but he once again found himself in Sangdo’s bed.  


Sleeping with Sangdo was nice. Hojoon felt really pleased when he was able to make Sangdo gasp and moan under him. He’d called himself Daeil today, just so Sangdo wouldn’t suspect him. But if he were honest, it would have been much better if ‘Hojoon’ had been the name Sangdo had moaned.  


He glanced up at the glow in the dark stars, letting out a small chuckle, before looking at the clock. 1.36am. He looked back at Sangdo, who seemed to be deep in sleep.  


Maybe he should just leave now, when Sangdo was still asleep. He rolled out of bed, as carefully as possible. The room was dark and Hojoon frowned as he tried to look for his clothes. It took him a while to find his underwear and pants but he finally found them. When he began looking for his shirt, Sangdo suddenly moved and Hojoon’s heart jumped. He finally found his shirt and he just snatched it off the floor, pulling it over his head as he walked towards the door.  


He grunted quietly as he tied his shoes, as they were slightly too small today. Hojoon threw one last glance at the door to Sangdo’s bedroom before he grabbed his jacket and left the apartment.  


The streets were quiet when Hojoon left the apartment complex. A few cars passed by, but he couldn’t see a cab.  


He sighed. Last time he’d been lucky and caught a cab passing by but it seemed like he had to find a subway station this time. He reached for his phone, pulling it out of his pocket and opened the map.  


Turned out the station wasn’t that far from Sangdo’s apartment. Hojoon pulled his jacket closer. It was cold outside and it felt like rain hung in the air, but thankfully it didn’t rain. Hojoon hadn’t brought an umbrella along and he wasn’t feeling like getting drenched. He let out a sigh, glancing up at the sky once before heading down the stairs to the subway station.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Fuck,” Hojoon cursed when he saw his own reflection. He still hadn’t changed for the day but the reason he cursed was his shirt. He looked down on the shirt he was wearing. It wasn’t his shirt. It was Sangdo’s shirt. Shit. He had been sure it was his shirt…  


He pulled off the shirt, staring at it. A small smile appeared on his lips when his eyes fell on the little text written in the neck  


‘Sangdo’.  


That’s cute, he thought. Sangdo seemed like a really nice guy. His stomach churned a bit uncomfortably. He had never hooked up with the same guy twice and now he had managed to take the guy’s shirt as well.

  
“Oh well,” he sighed, shrugging as he glanced down at the shirt again. “Might as well keep it…” he mumbled, tossing the shirt to the floor. “Can’t give it back…” He took off his pants, throwing the shirt another glance before laying down on his bed.   
  
  
The bed creaked a little under his weight and he stared up at his white roof. Maybe he should get glow in the dark stars… Like Sangdo. He shook his head. No, he shouldn’t be thinking about Sangdo. It was a mistake. It wasn’t meant to happen twice. He sighed. Either way, it would never happen again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hojoon leaned back on the bench, taking a sip of his coffee. It was a warm spring day and Hojoon was about to die in his apartment. Spending the days in front of a computer sucked and when he managed to get done with everything earlier, he quickly went outside. He had sent Sangwon, his youngest brother, a text, asking if he wanted to meet up. Sangwon had agreed but apparently he had to do something before he could come so Hojoon decided to just wait for him in the park.  


His phone buzzed and he quickly pulled it up from his pocket.

 

SW: hey hyung, jiho is joining us too

HJ: sure

HJ: are you on your way now?

SW: yup

SW: where are you?

HJ: im sitting on one of the benches. You shouldn’t have a problem finding me, my hair is green today and I have glasses

SW: got it

 

Hojoon sighed deeply. His brothers always tried to make him feel like he was normal, always trying to overlook his condition. He knew they didn’t want to ask how he looked today, just so that he didn’t feel bad. Somehow it just made him feel even worse.  


“Hyung!” a familiar voice called out and Hojoon looked up to see Sangwon and Jiho approaching him. Sangwon was holding a can of soda in his hands, grinning widely as he waved to Hojoon and Jiho was just behind Sangwon, holding what Hojoon assumed was hot chocolate. Jiho liked to act tough and cool, but deep down he was actually just a baby with a sweet tooth.

  
“You look good in glasses,” Jiho commented as he sat down beside Hojoon and Hojoon snorted. He didn’t wear glasses because he thought he looked good in them.   
  
  
“I can’t see anything without them,” he said sourly, taking another sip of his coffee. “Blind as a bat.”   
  
  
“That’s not good then,” Jiho said and Hojoon hummed, glancing at Jiho. “Let’s hope it’s gone tomorrow,” he said slowly, offering Hojoon a light hearted grin and Hojoon smiled, even though he did feel a bit uncomfortable. He hated his condition and he didn’t really feel good when it was made into a sort of joke. Jiho must have seen his expression, because he quickly sighed and lowered his glance. “I’m sorry.”   
  
  
“Don’t be,” Hojoon said, offering Jiho a smile. “I hope I can see tomorrow too.” He turned to look at Sangwon who just opened his soda can. “How’s school?” he asked, changing subject and Sangwon hummed, taking a sip of his soda before replying.  


“It’s good, my grades are good, nothing happens really,” he said, shrugging and Hojoon hummed.  
  
  
“How’s Sanggyun?”

  
“He’s good, off doing something weird,” he said, shrugging again and Hojoon chuckled.   
  
  
“You’re not joining him?”   
  
  
“Hell no, I did it once and I’m not planning on doing it again,” Sangwon grumbled and Hojoon laughed. Last time Sangwon actually did go out and did something stupid with Sanggyun, he had gotten home with bruises and scrapes on his face. He never told Hojoon what they had done, just that it was incredibly stupid. Hojoon looked at his brothers fondly as Sangwon continued to talk about Sanggyun and school and Jiho joined the conversation, saying something about university classes and how he was dying.   
  
  
Hojoon just felt really thankful to have his brothers, they made him feel somewhat normal and less alone. He didn’t know what he would do without them.

 

 

 

 

  
  


HS: hey hojoon

HS: hojoon?

HS: are you dead?

HJ: no im here

HJ: sorry I spaced out

 

Hojoon groaned, placing his phone to the side before pinching the bridge of his nose. Something was really off today and he was beginning to feel bothered by it. He had hooked up with Sangdo (again) a week ago and all of a sudden he couldn't stop thinking about him.

 

HS: anyway, did anything funny happen today?

HJ: I work as an IT support from home, nothing ever happens here

HJ: hbu?

 

As he waited for Hansol to reply, Hojoon looked down on his bracelet. He gently ran his thumb over the little metal plate, sighing deeply.  


Hojoon.  


His mother had given it to him when he was 18, saying that she thought it was pretty but Hojoon knew why she got it for him. Around that time, Hojoon was really messy and his identity was not really clear to him. His mother wanted him to have at least something to cling onto.

 

HS: Byungjoo tried baking today

HS: its a miracle we still have an apartment

HJ: oh wow, is he okay?

HS: yeah, he burned his hand but it’s just a burn

HS: hes not dead at least

HJ: sounds… good… i guess?

HS: yeah

HS: hey, have you been out partying anything lately

HS: you havent told me anything new

HS: i love gossip

 

Hojoon rolled his eyes at the message but replied either way. Maybe he should tell Hansol about Sangdo… Maybe Hansol had any suggestions on how to stop thinking about him.  


HJ: yeah ive been out a few times

HJ: not a lot happened

HJ: but i hooked up with the same guy as before

HS: holy shit isnt this like the third time????

HJ: yeah

 

Hojoon rubbed his eyes. Sangdo was a mistake. He should never had followed him home. He shouldn’t have allowed himself to hook up with him again. Maybe he should keep a low profile… not going out to clubs or following anyone home for a while. He already thought about Sangdo way too much, he needed to stop.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Excuse me,” someone said and Hojoon froze. He recognized that voice all too well. He swallowed hard before looking up. Beside his table stood Sangdo, coffee cup in his hand. Holy fuck. “Is this seat taken?” he asked, motioning towards the chair on the other side of the table.  


“No,” Hojoon replied quickly. “Please sit down.” His throat felt thick and he swallowed again. He looked down in his book again, trying to ignore the butterflies in his stomach. He’d been thinking about Sangdo way too much lately and this wasn’t good, at all.  


His heart was beating loudly in his ears and he had troubles focusing on the words in the book. He sighed, closing the book. It was probably useless to even try and read now. He couldn’t concentrate.  


“What are you reading?” Sangdo asked and Hojoon licked his lips nervously.  


“It’s… uh…” he trailed off and looked at the book. “God of small things…” he said quietly and Sangdo nodded.  


“I’ve been thinking of reading it,” he said and Hojoon nodded, feeling so damn nervous. “Is it good?”  


“Yeah,” Hojoon croaked out, quickly clearing his throat, embarrassed. “Yeah,” he said again, steadier this time and Sangdo chuckled. “I think it’s good.” Sangdo hummed and Hojoon swallowed hard, looking down at his closed book again.

  
“I like your bracelet,” Sangdo suddenly said and Hojoon looked up.

  
“Yeah… uh, thank you,” he licked his lips nervously. “I got it from my mom… It’s has my name written…” he said slowly, then he widened his eyes as he realized what he just said. Sangdo had seen this bracelet before. Shit shit shit. This wasn’t good. Not at all. Fuck.  


“That’s nice,” Sangdo said and Hojoon hummed, swallowing hard. His heart was beating so loud inside his ribcage and he could feel his hands turning sweaty. “Is there someone in town who makes them?”  
  
  
“No… It’s… you can order it,” he said slowly and Sangdo nodded, taking a sip of his coffee.   
  
  
“I might do that,” he said. “I think they look nice.” Hojoon nodded, pressing his lips together. He should leave. He should leave now. “I’m Sangdo by the way.”   
  
  
“I’m… I’m Hojoon,” he said, deciding to be honest and he could see Sangdo’s eyebrows furrowing a little. He tried telling himself that it was okay. Sangdo wouldn’t suspect him. Hojoon wasn’t that rare and how could a normal person look different all the time? He was safe.   
  
  
“It’s nice to meet you Hojoon,” Sangdo finally said and Hojoon swallowed, offering Sangdo a tight-lipped smile.

 

 

 

 

 

  


Hojoon didn’t make it a habit to cuddle after sex. He knew he would be sad afterwards because he could never stay with that person, never get to know them. It was dangerous and a post-sex cuddles with Sangdo were even more dangerous. He should really stop seeing Sangdo. After meeting Sangdo at the cafe, Hojoon made sure not to wear his bracelet in public, in case he ever met Sangdo again.  


“What are you thinking about?” Sangdo suddenly asked, voice raspy and Hojoon just shrugged.  


“Nothing really,” he replied, swallowing hard as he tried to remain calm. Sangdo’s heart was beating at an even rate and it made Hojoon feel tingly. It was like he had fluttering butterflies in his chest. “Thought you were asleep.”  


“Nah.”  


He may like Sangdo a little too much.  


Sangdo threaded a hand through his hair. It was blue today. The first thing Sangdo had done was to compliment his hair, saying it looked nice on him.  


“What time is it?” Hojoon asked, glancing up at Sangdo. Sangdo shifted a little, turning his head to look at the clock.

  
“4.35am,” Sangdo said and Hojoon’s whole body froze. “Maybe we should get some sleep.”  


“Yeah,” he said, voice a bit choked and he forced a small smile. Maybe Sangdo would fall asleep quickly and Hojoon would have a chance to leave without getting caught. He didn’t want to leave yet; he wanted to stay under the warm blanket with Sangdo. Just for a while longer.  


God he was going to break his own heart.  


“Goodnight,” he said quietly and Sangdo flashed him a wide grin before closing his eyes. His whole body seemed relaxed while Hojoon’s was still stiff and frozen. He kept his eyes at the clock, watching it as the time ticked.  


4.53.  


He was running out of time. His heart was drumming nervously in his chest and his mouth was dry. What if he changed right here right now? That wouldn’t be good. Not at all.  


Sangdo’s breathing finally evened out and a small snore slipped past his lips, causing Hojoon to break out in a fond smile. Sangdo always looked so peaceful when he was sleeping and Hojoon fell a bit more each time he saw him like this.  


At 5.08 Hojoon could feel the change starting and he quickly left the bed. He’d stayed way too long. He hurriedly collected his clothes, as quietly as possible so Sangdo wouldn’t wake up. He didn’t bother dressing in the bedroom, but brought all his clothes and things along to the bathroom.  


This morning he’d stared at a guy with bright blue hair, wide forehead, sharp nose and thin lips. Now he was staring at a brown haired man, slim face and nose. His lips were still kind of thin, but plumper than before.  


Maybe he’d shrunk a bit in body size too, he thought, as he got dressed. His clothes that had fitted him well just a few minutes ago were now too big and he grumbled a little. When he finished dressing, he threw one last glance at himself in the mirror before leaving the bathroom. He tiptoed to the door, quickly putting on his shoes and heading out the door, carefully closing it behind him. On his way down the stairs, he stuffed his hands into his pockets, fingers suddenly brushing against a piece of paper.  
  
  
He pulled it out, frowning as he unfolded it. Then he swallowed hard, guilt coiling in his stomach. It was Sangdo’s phone number. He had given it to Hojoon after they met at the cafe, just before Hojoon left. He had said he thought Hojoon seemed nice and gave him his number, in case he wanted to meet again.   
  
  
Hojoon hadn’t called him though… and he probably never would.

 

 

 

 

  


HJ: Hansol

HJ: Hansol are you awake?

HS: ye

HS: u woke me up

HS: what is it

HJ: I have to tell you something

 

Hojoon swallowed hard, drumming his fingers against his desk. His hands were getting sweaty and his stomach churned nervously. He didn’t know how to break it to Hansol, but he was going to come clean. He was going to tell Hansol the truth.

 

HS: at 4.58 in the morning

HJ: yes

HJ: can we make a video call

HS: what

HS: we’ve never made a video call and suddenly you want to make one?

HS: at four in the morning

HS: weird but sure… I’ll just get my headphones, Joo is sleeping

HS: I’ll call u

 

Hojoon swallowed, feeling his hands getting even sweatier. He was really nervous. What if Hansol didn’t want to be his friend anymore?  


The ringing from his computer startled Hojoon and he jumped in surprise, quickly fumbling to answer Hansol’s call. Hansol appeared on his screen and Hojoon swallowed hard. Hansol looked like he’d just woken up, which was probably Hojoon’s fault. His brown hair was tousled and his white shirt looked too big, almost slipping off his shoulder.  


“So that’s how you look,” Hansol said, grinning widely.  


“No,” Hojoon said and Hansol frowned. “I was… That was what I was going to tell you about.”  


“Okay?”  


“It’s going to sound really weird… but please don’t hang up on me, okay?” he asked and Hansol nodded, eyebrows furrowed. “The thing is… I change appearance every day… I’ve never look the same and… I know it sounds unbelievable but I change around five or six so I thought… I thought that I’d just show you.”  


“Wait what?”  


“I know it makes no sense and I… I wish I could explain it in some other way but I really can’t. I change appearance every day at five or six and I wanted to tell you the truth… I get if you don’t want to be friends with me anymore but I honestly just wanted you to know about this… condition.”

  
“Uh,” Hansol looked pretty stunned and Hojoon understood his confusion. “It does sound a bit mental to be honest,” he began and Hojoon nodded. “But if what you say is true, I think what you really need is a friend. I’m not about to give up on you just because of this. We’ve been friends for a long time now, I’m not throwing that away.”  


Hojoon swallowed, trying to ignore the way his heart swelled. It felt weird. Butterflies were fluttering in his stomach and he just felt really touched. “Thank you.”  


“Now, that Sangdo guy you told me about,” Hansol said, kittenish grin spreading over his lips. “You still haven’t told me much about him. We could use this time to talk about him, he seems nice.”  


“He is,” Hojoon said, small smile on his lips. “He’s really nice.”  


“Does he know about this… condition?”  


Hojoon shook his head, grimacing a little. “No, I… I don’t know if I’ll see him again… I don’t know what to say to him… It was supposed to be a one time thing.”  


“Oh… I see,” Hansol said, nodding slowly. Hojoon just sighed, his shoulders dropping. Hansol quickly changed subject, talking about his job at the café and how boring it had been the day before. Hojoon just continued to listen until 5.33am when he felt the first hint of the change.  


“Hansol,” he said and the other hummed. “I think it’s starting.”  


“Okay…” Hansol said slowly. “Is there any gore involved? I can’t stomach gore this early in the morning.”  


“No, it’s painless,” Hojoon confirmed and Hansol nodded. The change wasn’t painful at all. It was like magic, one appearance wiping away the other. Hojoon used to watch the changes but he had stopped with that a long time ago. He glanced down on himself in the camera. Brown hair was replacing white hair and thinner, more cat like eyes replaced droopy eyes. His shoulders seemed to broaden a little too.  


“What the fuck,” Hansol breathed when it was done. “What the actual fuck?”  


“Yeah I…” Hojoon shrugged. “I don’t know why this is happening.”  


“It’s… I don’t know what to say but… wow okay,” Hansol said and Hojoon smiled sadly. “Don’t worry though, I won’t stop being your friend just because of this.”  


“Thank you,” Hojoon whispered and Hansol just smiled. “Thank you so much Hansol.”  


“You don’t have to thank me.”  


Hojoon sighed, not knowing what to say. He was relieved that Hansol seemed to take this very well, but he honestly lacked all social skills to keep conversations going.  


“So okay, I assume this is why you work with IT,” Hansol finally said, breaking the silence and Hojoon looked up.

  
“Yeah,” he said, shrugging. “I can’t really work anywhere.”  


“Where would you work?” Hansol asked. “If you could work anywhere.”  


Hojoon thought for a moment, rubbing his chin. “I think I would work at a café,” he said, “or maybe a restaurant… just somewhere where I could meet people… you know.”  


“I… If you ever want to, I could throw in a good word for you here,” Hansol said and Hojoon just smiled sadly. “I know, I know but if you ever want to, I’m here for you, okay?”  


“Thank you Hansol,” Hojoon glanced at the camera. “It means a lot.”  


“Don’t mention it,” Hansol said, grin on his face and Hojoon suddenly felt a little better. Maybe his condition wasn’t that bad. Maybe he wasn’t that weird.

 

 

 

 

 

  


“Hyunwoo,” Sangdo said as Hojoon got dressed. He felt so uncomfortable, using another name and it was even worse without his bracelet. He had probably just been lucky, that he hadn’t worn his bracelet and ended up sleeping with Sangdo again. But being without his bracelet and using another name felt horrible. He didn’t feel like himself. He bit his lip, looking up from the floor. Sangdo was sitting in bed, his blanket covering his legs and god he looked gorgeous. Hojoon’s stomach churned.  “Can’t you stay the night?”  


He looked away. He wanted nothing more than to stay, to get to know Sangdo a little better. But he really should leave. The frequency of their meetings was dangerous. Sangdo was dangerous, like poison.  


“I can’t,” he said, trying to keep his voice as steady as possible. “I have work tomorrow.”  


“Please,” Sangdo said and Hojoon swallowed again. “We can wake up early… have breakfast and- just… please stay till the morning.”  


“I can’t,” Hojoon repeated, his stomach churning uncomfortably. Sangdo looked so sad, lonely. “I’m so sorry Sangdo but I can’t.”  


Sangdo just shrugged, an awkward laugh slipping past his lips. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I sound pretty desperate don’t I?”  


“Yeah,” Hojoon agreed, offering Sangdo an awkward smile before he pulled his shirt over his head. “A little.”  


“I’m sorry,” Sangdo said, shoulders dropping.

  
“Don’t be,” Hojoon assured him, his heart aching. He didn’t want to leave. He checked that he had everything, cellphones, key, wallet, before heading towards the door. Sangdo followed, only dressed in boxers. Hojoon quickly put on his shoes before looking at Sangdo one last time. “Bye Sangdo,” he said, his heart dropping to his stomach.  


“Bye Hyunwoo.”

 

  
  
  
  


  


“You look tired,” Sangwon said as he stepped inside Hojoon’s living room and Hojoon hummed, rubbing his eye as he took a sip of his coffee. He hadn’t been able to sleep during the night, he’d just been tossing and turning, thinking about Sangdo. “Maybe you should stop with the partying, your hangover seems really bad. Think of your liver, hyung.”  
  
  
“I didn’t drink anything last night,” Hojoon groaned as Sangwon sat down in the couch. “I just didn’t sleep anything when I got back.” He glanced over at Sangwon who was just staring at him, an eyebrow raised. “I just… I couldn’t stop thinking…”   
  
  
“About what?” Sangwon’s expression didn’t change but he sounded curious. “Is there something troubling you?”   
  
  
“Yeah,” Hojoon sighed, “I guess you could say so…”   
  
  
“If you want to talk hyung…” Sangwon began, leaning back. “If you ever want to talk, please talk to me.”  


Hojoon sighed again, leaning back in the couch. “It’s just… there’s this guy and…” he cut himself off, rubbing his eyes. He was tired. Too tired for this. “I’ve slept with him a few times now and… and I guess I just like him a bit more than I should.”  
  
  
Sangwon nodded, keeping quiet for a while as he rubbed his chin. “Maybe you’re his type,” he finally said and Hojoon rolled his eyes.   
  
  
“How can I be someone’s type when I-”   
  
  
“I know hyung but maybe he’s just… drawn to you?” Sangwon said, shrugging and Hojoon sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Your personality doesn’t change just because your appearance does.”  


Hojoon didn’t say anything, he just pressed his lips together and looked down on his hands.  
  
  
“You should tell him,” Sangwon said and Hojoon snapped his head up so fast he almost broke his neck. “Honestly, if you’ve had sex with him ‘a few times’, then he’s something else. It’s not like any of your other one night stands has ended up like this. This guy has to be special.”   
  
  
“I can’t tell him,” Hojoon hissed. “He’d be so freaked out. What normal person changes appearance like this?”   
  
  
Sangwon shrugged. “You should do whatever you feel comfortable with… but maybe telling him is good. If you get rejected, you can move on and if you don’t, even better.” Hojoon stared blankly at Sangwon. Maybe he was right.

 

 

 

 

 

  


Hojoon hated himself. He hated himself for being like this, hated himself for allowing himself to get into this situation.  


He was in love with Sangdo. He was so in love with Sangdo. He couldn’t stop thinking about him, couldn’t stop longing for him. He was so mad at himself for allowing himself to fall in love. It should have been a one-time thing, nothing more. There shouldn’t have been any cuddles, any meetings at coffee shops. Nothing.  


“I hate you,” he told his reflection as he dried his tears. His hair was black today, cheeks round and strong eyebrows. He somehow resembled his old self, before he started changing like this. He rubbed his eyes, dried his cheeks but yet more tears escaped his eyes.  


It was scary how much Sangdo had come to influence him. He had only seen Sangdo today before his throat just closed and the moment after he was hiding in a public bathroom, crying his eyes out. He couldn’t bear facing Sangdo today, not after rejecting him a few days ago. Not that Sangdo would recognize him… but that was what hurt.  


“Excuse me,” a voice asked from outside the bathroom stall and Hojoon jumped in surprise, letting out a yelp. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to surprise you,” the voice continued and Hojoon sniveled, trying to dry his tears again. “Are you okay in there?”  


“Yeah,” Hojoon replied, his voice breaking. He opened the door to the stall, his hands shaking and lowered his head. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, trying to slip past the guy but the guy just grabbed his arm and Hojoon looked up.  


It was Hansol.  


“H-Hansol?” he said, his eyes widening. Hansol frowned, his grip of Hojoon’s arm loosened. Hojoon sniffled, drying his tears. “It’s Hojoon,” he said, voice shaking and Hansol widened his eyes.  


“Hojoon?” Hansol asked and Hojoon nodded. They remained silent, just looking at each other. Then Hansol suddenly pinched Hojoon’s cheek, tugging gently, and Hojoon let out another yelp. “Sorry,” Hansol said, grinning. Hansol was very cute, even cuter in real life, and Hojoon just let him tug on his cheeks. “You’re actually real.”  


“Yeah,” Hojoon said, his voice still a little broken and Hansol’s expression quickly changed. He looked concerned, his brows furrowed.  


“Do you want to grab a coffee?” he asked. “My treat.”  


Hojoon bit his lip. He wasn’t sure if he was up for some coffee… but honestly, he probably needed it. “Yeah, sure,” he said, rubbing his eyes again. Hansol shot him a worried look but he didn’t say anything.  


“Let’s go to the coffee shop down this road,” Hansol suggested and Hojoon just nodded. As they walked beside each other, Hojoon glanced down on Hansol. Hansol was shorter than him today, though not by much.  


“Why were you crying?” Hansol finally asked, looking at him.  


“It’s… it’s complicated,” he replied and Hansol raised an eyebrow. “It really is… It’ll take a long time to explain.”  


“I have time,” Hansol said as he held up the door for Hojoon. “Honestly, we’ve been friends for a looooong time but you never really talk much about yourself… I’m more than happy to listen to everything,” he continued and Hojoon sighed, nodding.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Maybe you should just… tell him,” Hansol said and Hojoon almost threw the cupcake wrapper at him. That was the worst advice he’d ever heard. But what was worse was that Sangwon had said the exact same thing. “I mean, you’ve been meeting up a lot so I guess you’re his type?”  


“I’m not his type,” Hojoon hissed, suddenly feeling a bit irritated. “I look different all the time how can I be anyone’s type?”  
  
  
Hansol rolled his eyes, leaning back and crossed his legs. “I meant personality wise,” he said and Hojoon narrowed his eyes. “Like, people has this way of behaving, like an air about them, and I guess that’s what he’s drawn to.”  


Hojoon sighed, slumping in his chair. He didn’t know what to do. Everything was just a mess.   
  
  
“If you tell him and he finds it weird and never wants to see you again,” Hansol said and Hojoon’s heart ached, “then at least you don’t have to play the ‘what if’ scenarios in your head and you and just move on.”   
  
  
“You’re right I guess,” Hojoon said slowly and Hansol nodded. “I will… I will try.”   
  
  
“Good,” Hansol said, smiling warmly. “Don’t forget that whatever happens, you still have me and your family.”   
  
  
“Thank you,” Hojoon whispered, his voice shaky and his eyes blank with tears. When he first had received Hansol’s messages, he never thought he would have gotten this amazing friend. He was really thankful for having Hansol in his life.

 

 

 

 

 

  


The music was loud. So loud that Hojoon almost couldn’t hear his own thoughts. The air in the club was hot, a bit suffocating, but it felt nice. It was always nice to get a change. Hojoon approached the bar counter, quickly ordering a beer.  


“Hey,” someone said from beside him, barely audible due to the loud music. Hojoon turned around to look at the guy. The guy was a bit on the shorter side, shorter than Hojoon right now, his black hair styled up. He was rather handsome.   
  
  
“Here you go,” the bartender said, sliding the beer over the bar counter. Hojoon just nodded as a thanks and turned back to the guy.   
  
  
“Damn,” he said, cheeky grin on his lips. “I wanted to buy you a drink.”   
  
  
“Thanks but,” Hojoon raised his beer, “I’m good.”   
  
  
“I’m Haewon,” the guy, Haewon, said. “What’s your name hot stuff?”   
  
  
“Hojoon.”   
  
  
“It’s very nice to meet you,” Haewon said and Hojoon smiled, taking a swing of his beer. It was honestly very nice to meet someone else than Sangdo, someone that could take Hojoon’s thoughts off Sangdo.   


As Haewon turned to the bartender, ordering something himself and as he did, Hojoon’s eye caught something. He could see someone that looked like Sangdo… no wait, it was Sangdo. Hojoon swallowed, his heart dropping like a stone. Sangdo was making out with someone else.  
  
  
“So,” Haewon suddenly said and Hojoon just held back a sob. He shouldn’t be pathetic. He shouldn’t be like this. “Are you okay?”  


“Yeah,” Hojoon said, snapping out of his daze, offering Haewon a grin. “Just peachy,” he continued, taking another sip of his beer. He needed more alcohol, anything to get rid of the image of Sangdo with someone else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hojoon stumbled into his apartment, dropping his keys on the floor. Sangwon was just behind him, closing the door.  
  
  
“Seriously hyung,” he said, grabbing Hojoon’s waist to keep him from falling. “Let’s get you to bed, okay?” he continued and Hojoon hummed, clinging on Sangwon as Sangwon helped him get his shoes off.  


“Thank you Sangwon,” Hojoon mumbled. Sangwon just hummed, basically dragging Hojoon towards his bedroom. “I’m sorry you had to pick me up.”  


“Don’t worry about it,” Sangwon said, pushing the door to the bedroom open. “I got your back, hyung. Don’t worry about these things,” he continued and Hojoon hummed, flopping down on the bed with Sangwon’s help. “Let’s just get you out of the jeans.”  
  
  
“Can do it myself,” Hojoon insisted and Sangwon nodded, pulling his hands back but Hojoon just kept fumbling with the button to the jeans so in the end, it was Sangwon who got his jeans off. Maybe drinking that much had been a bad idea.   
  
  
“I’ll be in the guestroom if you need me.”   


“No wait,” Hojoon said, hands grabbing in the air after Sangwon. “Can you… Can you please stay? Just… just until I fall asleep… Please…” he whispered and he could hear Sangwon hum, his clothes rustling as he took them off. He then slipped into bed, joining Hojoon under the covers. Hojoon immediately turned towards him, clinging on him. “Goodnight Sangwon,” he mumbled, drowsiness washing over him. He could almost hear Sangwon’s smile as Sangwon gently petted his hair.  
  
“Goodnight hyung.”

 

 

 

 

 

  


Hojoon had lost count on how many times he’d met Sangdo now. Today was the last time though, at least like this. Hojoon was certain that this was the last time. He wouldn’t continue this anymore. He would tell Sangdo the truth and if Sangdo never wanted to see him again, then so be it.  


He was tired of hurting, tired of all the ‘what if’s. He had had enough.  


“Do you just… want to talk?” Sangdo asked carefully and Hojoon nodded silently. They sat down on the couch and Hojoon swallowed. Whatever alcohol had been in his system earlier was now gone and his mind was all clear.  


“I…” Hojoon began, “I have something to tell you. It’s going to sound completely mental and weird but please just-“ he sighed, “just listen to what I have to say before you interrupt me.”  


Sangdo raised an eyebrow but nodded anyway.  


“I’m Hojoon,” he said slowly, “and I… I don’t know what it is, a condition, a curse maybe but… I change appearance every day. I’ve met you a lot of times before and I… I’m sorry for pretending to be different people all the time. I was scared. I don’t meet people twice because of this whole appearance thing but then I happened to meet you again and again… and honestly, you’re so… so amazing and I just wanted to be with you. I’m sorry I was selfish.”  


Sangdo looked dumbfounded, his eyebrows raised and jaw slack. “I… what?”  


“I know it’s unbelievable but I… I have pictures and I… I have your number too, you’ve given it to me a few times.”  


“So wait,” Sangdo said, holding up his hands. “You mean to tell me we’ve met before?” Hojoon nodded. “And I’ve slept with you… how many times?”  


“Four,” Hojoon said. “Hojoon, Daeil, Hyunwoo and Youngjun.”  


“Okay this is really weird,” Sangdo said, looking really lost and Hojoon didn’t blame him. “Are you some kind of stalker?”  


“I’m not,” Hojoon said quietly, swallowing hard. He knew explaining to Sangdo would be hard. “I’m just… do you have anything in the morning?”  


“No, nothing. Why?”  


“If I could just… If I could stay… I could show you… It usually happens around five or six…” he said and Sangdo nodded, seeming to be at loss of words. It was understandable.  


“I… I honestly don’t know what to say,” Sangdo finally said and Hojoon nodded.  


“I understand,” he said, swallowing hard. “I mean, it’s not really natural so I… I understand…” He fiddled with his hands, biting his bottom lip. “Maybe I should just… just leave,” he mumbled, slowly standing up.  


“No wait.”  


Hojoon looked up at Sangdo with wide eyes, his heart drumming in his chest.  


“You can stay…” Sangdo said slowly and Hojoon nodded, sitting down in the couch. “I mean… It sounds pretty crazy yeah but… you can stay till tomorrow…”  


“Thank you,” Hojoon mumbled, fiddling with his fingers. “Thank you.”

 

 

 

 

  


Sangdo had fallen asleep at around two in the morning, asking Hojoon to wake him up when the change was starting. Hojoon didn’t even try to fall asleep that night, he just sat beside Sangdo the whole night, staring into one of his bedroom walls. His whole body was tense, his stomach turning and his hands were sweaty.

 

He was so damn nervous. He didn’t know what to do.  


At five thirty he could feel the first little sign of the change and he carefully woke Sangdo up. “Sangdo,” he called out, gently shaking Sangdo’s shoulder. After a moment, Sangdo finally opened his eyes, blinking rapidly. He looked blank for a moment before snapping back to reality.  
  
  
“Is it happening?” he asked and Hojoon nodded, moving a bit away. “It’s not… gory… right?”   
  
  
“No,” he shook his head. “Not at all.” Sangdo nodded and Hojoon swallowed, drumming his fingers nervously against his thigh. He couldn’t see himself in a mirror or anything so he didn’t know how he looked like. His shirt did start to feel a bit big on him and he lowered his head, scared of Sangdo’s reaction. His hands looked smaller, but skin rougher. He swallowed, gathering the courage to look up at Sangdo.   
  
Sangdo was staring at him, eyes wide and jaw slack. Understandable. Nervousness and anxiety swirled in his stomach.  


“I-I know it’s weird b-but-”  
  
  
“Does this happen every morning?” Sangdo asked, cutting him off and Hojoon nodded, biting his lip. Sangdo pressed his lips together, moving closer to Hojoon. He carefully reached out to grab Hojoon’s hand. “Let me just… get things straight,” he began and Hojoon nodded. “We’ve met before?”   
  
  
“Yeah… a few times…” Hojoon mumbled, avoiding eye contact with Sangdo.   
  
  
“And… you have my number?”   


“Remember the coffee shop… I… I was wearing my bracelet... “  
  
  
“Oh…” Sangdo nodded. “Yeah… I thought it was odd.” He let out a little chuckle and Hojoon couldn’t help but smile, his heart feeling a bit lighter. The conversation that followed was fairly light-hearted and it seemed like Sangdo was taking everything well.   
  
  
“Let’s try,” Sangdo said, giving Hojoon’s hand a squeeze. Hojoon furrowed his brows, not really understanding what Sangdo meant. “Let’s try having a relationship.”   
  
  
“But the co-”   
  
  
“Yes, the condition… it doesn’t change your personality though and I’m willing to try being with you.”   
  
  
It warmed Hojoon’s heart and his grip of Sangdo’s hands tightened. He nodded. “Let’s try.”

 

 

 

 

 

  


His whole body was trembling and he sobbed, desperately trying to dry his tears. It’s been two days since Sangdo agreed to try. To try having a relationship despite Hojoon’s condition. Hojoon had thought telling Sangdo the truth would relieve him of most of his sad feelings at least, but he felt at least ten times worse now.

  
He had stayed over at Sangdo’s place both nights and when he woke up, Sangdo couldn’t recognize him.  


“Hojoon?” Sangdo called from outside the bathroom and Hojoon jumped in surprise. “Can I come in?”  


“Yes,” Hojoon croaked out, attempting to dry his tears again. The door was slowly opened and Sangdo stepped inside, looking worried.  


“Are you okay?” he asked carefully and Hojoon sobbed again.  


“No,” he said. “No I am not okay. All I want is to be normal and not fucking-“ he inhaled sharply, fresh tears falling down his cheeks. “I don’t want to be like this. I want to be able to have friends and just… just not be like this.”

  
It was silent. Sangdo didn’t say anything, he just pressed his lips together. He took a step closer to Hojoon and wrapped his arms around him.  


“I don’t understand much of this,” Sangdo began, his chest vibrating as he spoke and Hojoon just clung to him, his sobs quieting down. “But it doesn’t really matter what you look like, you’re still Hojoon. Maybe it’s not really normal, but that’s okay. It’s okay not to be normal.”  


Hojoon hummed quietly, hands desperately holding onto Sangdo’s shirt. “Thank you,” he whispered, glancing up at Sangdo. “Thank you for trying.”  


“You don’t have to thank me,” Sangdo said, smiling widely. Hojoon loosened his grip of Sangdo’s shirt, creating a bit of space between them and then leaned closer to kiss him. He was pretty tall today, about Sangdo’s height and it was something about it that he didn’t really like. Being this tall felt weird and it was even weirder to not have to look up at Sangdo a little. “Let’s have breakfast and then we’ll go to your apartment.”  


“Yeah,” Hojoon mumbled, following Sangdo to the kitchen.

 

 

 

 

  


“I talked to my mom yesterday… I told her about your and… well…” Hojoon said as they walked down the street, towards the subway station and he swallowed. They had decided to move and stay over at Hojoon’s apartment now for a while, so Hojoon could get his clothes since he changed size every day. “She wants to meet you so she invited us over for dinner next week.”  


“Oh,” Sangdo said and Hojoon licked his lips, his hands gripping his bag tightly.  


“You don’t have to, I can always tell her no,” he said, stomach turning nervously. Maybe it was too early for Sangdo to meet his family. Maybe he should have said no to his mom immediately and never asked Sangdo from the beginning.  


“No,” Sangdo said, smiling as he reached out to take one of Hojoon’s hands. “I want to meet your family, if that’s okay with you.”  


“Of course it’s okay! I just…” he sighed, “I just thought that maybe it was too early.”  


“Honestly,” Sangdo said, chuckling a little, “we’ve basically been seeing each other for like six months. So maybe it’s not too early.”  
  
“True,” Hojoon said, butterflies fluttering at the same time as an uncomfortable feeling churned in his stomach. “I’m sorry this is so weird…” he whispered but Sangdo just squeezed his hand.  


“Don’t be,” he said and Hojoon nodded, biting his bottom lip. “It’s not like you can control it right?” He shook his head and Sangdo grinned, smile so bright that it warmed Hojoon’s heart. “Then you shouldn’t be sorry, if it’s out of your control.” Hojoon nodded again, not saying anything else but he gave Sangdo’s hand a little squeeze as a silent thank you.

 

 

 

  


Hojoon stared at himself. Small button nose, soft and round face, small pouty lips, big round eyes and a mop of silver, almost white hair. He looked exactly the same as he had done when he first met Sangdo. He leaned closer to the mirror, turning his face a little. He picked up his phone, quickly finding the picture he’d taken that day. He stared at it, then at his reflection again.  


It was identical. That had never happened before. Sometimes he could look similar to another day but it was always something different, the nose or the lips or the ears. He turned his head a little, looking at his ears. They were the same.  


How come he looked identical to one of his other days? This confused him. He furrowed his brows, placing his phone back in his pocket and left the bathroom, heading to the kitchen.  


“Good morni- oh,” Sangdo said when Hojoon entered the kitchen. “You-“  


“I know,” Hojoon cut him off, sitting down by the table. “This has never happened before,” he mumbled, hiding his face in his hands.  


“I’ve noticed something though,” Sangdo said and Hojoon looked up from his hands. Sangdo gently pulled him up on his feet again, cradling his face. “Even though your whole face changes, there are things that don’t.”  


“Really?” Hojoon whispered, suddenly not trusting his voice. His chest felt tight and he swallowed hard.  


“Yeah,” Sangdo hummed. “The look in your eyes and your voice is always the same,” he said, leaning closer to kiss Hojoon. Sangdo was always treating him so well and it made Hojoon choke up every time he thought about it. “And despite your appearance, you’re still Hojoon,” he continued when they parted, his thumb gently stroking Hojoon’s cheekbone. “My Hojoon.”  


Hojoon swallowed the lump in his throat, his small hands holding onto Sangdo’s shirt. Sangdo smiled, pulling him in for a hug.  


“I can’t believe you were taller than me yesterday,” he said, gently petting Hojoon’s hair before taking a step back, eyeing Hojoon from head to toe. “I could probably fit you in my pocket today.” Hojoon stuck out his tongue, but laughed when Sangdo cradled his face in his hands again and leaned down to kiss him.  


"Don't you have to start getting ready for work?" he asked and Sangdo hummed, stealing one last kiss before letting him go. Hojoon just shook his head, grinning from ear to ear as he watched Sangdo finish up cooking the breakfast. Their whole situation was starting to feel very domestic and Hojoon honestly loved it. He hadn’t understood the charm of living with someone. He hadn’t been able to understand how Hansol enjoyed living with Byungjoo, who was a mess, until now.   
  
Sangdo was a pretty neat person, not the slightest bit alike Byungjoo, but he still left a trace in Hojoon’s apartment. His keys were on the table, his clothes in Hojoon’s washer, his scent lingering in Hojoon’s bed. Hojoon really liked that.

 

 

 

 

  


“You’re looking handsome today,” Sangdo said as he passed Hojoon in the kitchen. They had been sort of living together for a few weeks not but it was ridiculous how easy they had fallen into a routine. Hojoon woke up at six, got up and made breakfast for Sangdo who woke up half an hour later. They had breakfast together before Sangdo left for work. Hojoon just stayed inside, working as well. Sangdo got home at around five thirty in the evening, sometimes bringing dinner with him.  


“Thank you,” Hojoon said, grimacing a little.  


“We’re going to your parents house tomorrow, right?” Sangdo asked and Hojoon hummed, poking the eggs in the pan a little with the spatula. “Do I need to wear a suit?”  


Hojoon looked up from the eggs, raising an eyebrow. “Why would you wear a suit? It’s just dinner,” he said, small smile on his lips and Sangdo laughed.  


"I feel like I have to impress your parents and brothers," he said and Hojoon snorted. "What?"  


"You don't have to worry about my parents and concerning my brothers, you just have to bribe them with candy," Hojoon said and Sangdo laughed, wrapped his arms around Hojoon's waist, pressing his cheek against Hojoon's shoulder. "They're children, I swear."  


"They sound cute," Sangdo said, pressing a kiss on Hojoon's shoulder.  


"They're very cute," he confirmed, flipping the eggs.  


“You’re cute too,” Sangdo said, resting his chin on Hojoon’s shoulder as Hojoon continued to cook breakfast, not letting go of his waist until he was done cooking.

 

 

 

 

 

Hojoon looked at himself in the mirror. His cheeks were a bit chubby, his nose straight, his lips pink and thin, his hair quite short and blond, small eyes and pretty soft eyebrows. He could see what Sangdo had said a few days ago, that even though he changed appearance, the look in his eyes always remained the same. He was still himself, no matter what he looked like. He lifted his arm, looking at his bracelet. He gently ran his thumb over the little metal plate.   
  
‘Hojoon’   
  
His family didn’t mind his changes, Hansol didn’t mind them and Sangdo didn’t mind them. He was surrounded by people who had accepted him as he was and maybe… maybe it was time for him to accept himself as he was. He wanted to be happy, he wanted to love himself.  


He looked at himself again, smiling widely. He looked good when smiling. It somehow made him happy, to see himself smiling. He took a deep breath before turning away from the mirror. From now on, no matter what happened or what he looked like, he would continue to be happy as Hojoon, as himself.  


“You okay?” Sangdo asked as Hojoon crawled under the covers, quickly snuggling close to Sangdo.   
  
“Yeah,” Hojoon replied quietly. Sangdo hummed, placing his hand on Hojoon’s head, gently threading his fingers through his blond hair. Hojoon let out a small, content sigh and closed his eyes. It felt really nice and even though he’d just laid down, Hojoon felt like he was about to fall asleep. “I’m okay like this right?” he suddenly asked, voice a bit raspy. “I'm okay as me, right?”  


“Of course you are,” Sangdo replied and Hojoon cracked his eyes open to look at him. Sangdo’s voice was so full of affection, so fond, that it made Hojoon’s heart squeeze almost painfully. “I-” Sangdo began but cut himself off, offering Hojoon a warm smile. “You’re perfect as you are.”  
  
“Thank you for… for everything Sangdo,” he mumbled, trailing his fingers up Sangdo’s bare side.

 

 

 

 

  


When Hojoon woke up, the first thing he saw was Sangdo staring at him and holding his hand. This was new. Sangdo rarely woke up before Hojoon and if he did, he never stayed in bed with him like this. Hojoon swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. He took a deep breath before he opened his mouth, lips quivering.  


"H-how… How do I look?" he asked, terrified for the answer, and that seemed to break Sangdo out of his trance.  


At first Sangdo didn't say anything, he just let go of Hojoon’s hand and placed it on Hojoon's jaw, cupping his face. "The same," he finally said and Hojoon couldn't believe what he just heard.  


"What?" he asked weakly and Sangdo smiled, so brightly.  


"You look like you," he said, stroking his thumb over Hojoon's cheekbone. "You look like Hojoon. My Hojoon."  


"S-so I-" Hojoon's throat began to feel thick and he swallowed hard. "I look the same as yesterday?" he asked, voice so small, and when Sangdo nodded, a quiet sob slipped past his lips. His vision began to blur because of the tears and he could hear Sangdo chuckle before drying some of his tears away.  


"Don't cry, beautiful," he said and Hojoon sobbed again.  


"Do I really look the same as yesterday?" he asked, just to make sure and Sangdo hummed.  


"Straight nose," he said, running his fingers over Hojoon's nose. "Beautiful brown eyes," he continued, staring straight into Hojoon's eyes. "Defined jawline," he grinned and gently traced Hojoon's jaw with his fingers, "and thin, pink lips," he finished, moving a bit closer so he could press his lips against Hojoon's.  


“Do you think I’ll always look like this?” he asked when they parted, lacing his fingers with Sangdo’s. “Do you think it’s over?”  


“I don’t know,” Sangdo said truthfully. “I guess we’ll see tomorrow.”  


Hojoon swallowed, his heart dropping a little. What if he didn’t look like this tomorrow?  


“Hey,” Sangdo said, drawing Hojoon out of his thoughts. “I still love you.”  


Hojoon blinked, slowly letting Sangdo’s words sink in. “What?” he asked in disbelief, his heart drumming in his chest. He couldn't believe what he just heard. He must have heard wrong. Sangdo just smiled, his gaze so warm.  


“I said I still love you,” he repeated, squeezing Hojoon’s smaller hand gently. “It doesn’t matter if you continue to change appearance tomorrow, you’re still Hojoon. My Hojoon," he said and Hojoon felt tears sting in his eyes. “Don’t cry,” Sangdo said, letting go of Hojoon’s hand to place it on his cheek. “Please don’t cry.”  
  
“I-” He choked on a sob, tears finally escaping his eyes and Sangdo gently dried them off with his thumb. “I love you too,” he whispered, his vision blurry as he looked at Sangdo. “I love you too.”

  


 

 

  


Sangdo looked nervous, Hojoon noted as they walked towards his parents house. He held the bouquet of flowers in a tight grip and his facial expression was stiff.

  
"Relax," Hojoon said, gently bumping his shoulder with Sangdo's. "It's just my family… and please loosen your grip of the flowers, you're killing them.”  


"What if they don't like me?" Sangdo said, grip of the flowers loosening and Hojoon snorted.  


"Really?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "It's not like their opinion on you is going to change my feelings," he said and Sangdo glanced at him, not really looking like he believed Hojoon. "I promise," he said, amused smile on his lips. "You're really cute."  


Sangdo just pouted and Hojoon chuckled, pinching his cheek before pressing the doorbell and he could hear Sangdo take a deep breath beside him. He just shook his head, opening the door.  


"Hello?" he called out loudly as they entered. He closed the door and he could hear fast paced footsteps coming down the stairs.  


"Hyung!" Sangwon said when he appeared in the hallway. He looked over Hojoon, scanning him from head to toe. "You look like dad," he said and Hojoon frowned. "I mean you look like dad when he was young."

  
"Thank you," he said, grin stretching his lips as he opened his arms for his brother. Sangwon gave him a quick hug before looking at Sangdo.  


"You must be Sangdo," he said and Sangdo nodded, holding out his hand to shake Sangwon's. "I'm Sangwon, the youngest brother," he said as he shook Sangdo's hand.  


"Sangdo," he said, sounding a bit more relaxed now and Hojoon's chest felt warm. "Nice to meet you."  


"Let's go to the kitchen," Sangwon said and Hojoon nodded, quickly taking off his shoes. "I think Jiho hyung is trying to eat half of the food," he continued and Hojoon just rolled his eyes. Sangdo looked around the house with wide eyes as they headed to the kitchen.  


"This house is huge," he said quietly and Hojoon hummed. "It's really nice... Home-y," he continued and Hojoon nodded.  


"Jiho, get out of the kitchen," Hojoon heard his dad said, voice raised and he could hear Sangwon laugh. Jiho appeared two seconds later, pout on his lips, but when he spotted Hojoon, his face lit up.  


"Hyung!" he said, bouncing towards Hojoon to hug him. He was taller than Hojoon and Hojoon didn't know how to feel. He shouldn't be smaller than his younger brother. "You look like dad, like he did when he was young," he said, studying Hojoon's face. Hojoon just hummed and Jiho turned his attention to Sangdo. "You're Sangdo?" he asked and when Sangdo nodded, he held out his hand to shake Sangdo's. "I'm Jiho, the handsome brother."  


"Sangdo." Sangdo was grinning as he shook Jiho's hand, "It's nice to meet you," he said just as Hojoon's mother joined them.  


"Hojoon!" she said, pinching his cheek and Hojoon grimaced. "I assume you're Sangdo," she said, smiling widely and Sangdo nodded.

"It's nice to meet you," he said, holding out the flower bouquet. "I hope the flowers are okay, I don't know what flowers you like." Hojoon's mother glanced at Hojoon before taking the flowers from Sangdo, smiling widely.  


"I like you," she said, pinching Hojoon's cheek again and Hojoon grimaced once again. "Let's go to the kitchen, okay?" she continued and Hojoon nodded, hooking his arm with Sangdo's. Sangwon sent them a look and grimaced.

  
"Are you one of those touchy couples?" he asked but Hojoon just stuck out his tongue. "That's gross and cute at the same time."  


"Don't be mean to your brother," their mom said and Sangdo just looked between Hojoon and his brothers. They entered the kitchen where Hojoon's dad was, just taking out a pan from the oven.  


"Hojoon!" he greeted and Hojoon let go of Sangdo's arm to greet his dad. His dad pinched his cheek and Hojoon let out a grunt in protest. "You remind me of myself when I was young," he said and Hojoon hummed. "Very handsome."  


"Thanks dad," he said. "This is Sangdo, my boyfriend," he continued, his heart skipping a beat.  


"Ah," his dad looked up at Sangdo and held out his hand. "Nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you from Hojoon."  


"All good I hope," Sangdo said, glancing over at Hojoon and Hojoon's dad laughed.  


"Of course, of course," he said and Hojoon smiled warmly. Hojoon's heart did a little flip and he swallowed. Sangdo was just so handsome and Hojoon was so happy. "Go and sit down at the table, dinner's almost done," he continued and Hojoon reached out to grab Sangdo's hand, pulling him towards the table.

 

 

 

 

 

  


Hojoon knew it was unavoidable, but he had really wished his family didn't mention his condition. Honestly, he had thought it would be his mother that mentioned it, but to his surprise it was Sangwon.  


"You know about the... the changes, right?" he asked and Sangdo nodded, leaning back a little. Hojoon took a deep breath, nervously fiddling with his fingers in his lap. He was both nervous and irritated. Nervous because of what Sangwon might say and irritated because he brought it up. "Good... I just... want to point out that hyung is still hyung, even though his appearances changes." Whatever irritation Hojoon had felt quickly faded away as Sangwon spoke and his heart swelled in his chest, touched by what his little brother said.

 

"Well... about that... I... uh," Hojoon swallowed, licking his lips nervously. "I have something to tell you," he said and his whole family was staring at him, making him even more nervous. A hand suddenly took his and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I haven't changed today," he said and his family just continued staring, not saying a word. "I mean I looked like this yesterday as well."

 

His mother was the first one to react, her eyes widening. "Has it stopped? Just like that?" she asked and Hojoon shrugged.

 

"I don't know," he said, licking his lips. "But... I think so... we'll see tomorrow but... I hope it has."

 

"That's great," Jiho said and Hojoon nodded, smiling a little. "That means you can finally change job and work with something funny."

 

“Yeah,” Sangwon agreed, nodding his head seriously, “maybe you can become a funnier person,” he teased lightly and Hojoon stuck out his tongue again, but he grinned widely, squeezing Sangdo’s hand. He felt like his heart was about to burst through his ribcage, he was just really happy.

 

 

 

 

  


Hojoon couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t sleep at all. Beside him, Sangdo was snoring peacefully and that was probably the only thing that kept Hojoon from freaking out. He held up his hands and looked at them. He liked his current appearance; he liked his face, his hands, his feet, his body. He felt at home like this.

 

“Please let me stay like this,” he whispered to no one in particular. He dropped his hands down, relaxing again and turned on his side to look at Sangdo. Sleeping beside Sangdo had become a habit. A habit Hojoon never wanted to break.

 

He sighed, turning around again and looked at the clock.

 

4.58am.

 

If he were to change it would happen soon. He closed his eyes, just wishing he’d be able to get some sleep. He felt tired, but still wide-awake and anxious. He wanted to be like this. He wanted to be this Hojoon.

 

Finally, at 5.11am, he got out of bed. He looked around on the floor, trying to find his shirt. He just pulled it over his head as he walked towards the bathroom, only to realize it was Sangdo’s shirt. “Whatever,” he mumbled to himself. He could give it back later. Sangdo’s shirt was a little too big on him and it made him look smaller.

 

He looked at himself in the mirror. He was still the same. Straight nose, pouty lips, blond hair. He liked himself like this.

 

He sighed as he sat down on the toilet. Maybe he should stop worrying over people disliking him just because of his condition. Even though his appearance might change, he still had people around him that didn’t care. The most important thing was that they liked him as Hojoon, no matter of appearance.

 

He was happy to have such nice people in his life. Lucky too. Extremely lucky.

 

He stood up again, staring at himself in the mirror. Still no change. Something inside him was hoping that he wouldn’t change but he tried to keep it down. He would just be disappointed if he did change.

 

He went out to the kitchen to make some tea for himself. He could still hear Sangdo snore from the bedroom and he smiled, his whole chest feeling warm.

 

As he boiled the water, he glanced at the clock. 5.39am and still nothing. He poured the hot water in a cup and reached for a teabag before taking the cup and heading to the living room, sitting down on the couch.

 

When he was done with his cup of tea, he just left it on the couch table and hurried to the bathroom. Had he changed without noticing? No, he hadn’t. He went back to the living room, looking at the clock. It was past six.

 

Unless his change was late, Hojoon wouldn’t change today.

 

He suddenly felt all choked up, his sight blurry and chest tight. This time he didn’t really hold back the tears, he just let them roll down his cheeks. They weren’t sad tears; they were tears of relief, tears of happiness.

 

 

 

 

 

Sangdo was sleeping when Hojoon came back to the bedroom, lips parted and snoring softly. Hojoon’s hands were shaking as he sat down beside Sangdo. He should let Sangdo sleep but honestly, he had troubles keeping his happiness inside.

 

“Sangdo,” he said softly, gently shaking Sangdo’s shoulders. No reaction. Sangdo was still sleeping peacefully. “Sangdo,” he repeated, a bit louder this time and shook him again. This time Sangdo reacted, letting out a little groan before he opened his eyes. "Sangdo," Hojoon said again and Sangdo blinked, looking lost.

 

"Hojoon?" he asked, slowly sitting up while rubbing his eyes. "You-" he said but Hojoon cut him off by almost tackling him, hugging him tightly.

 

"I still haven't changed," he cried, more tears running down his cheeks. "I'm- I'm..." he struggled to find the right words. He didn't know what to say. "I'm me."

 

"Of course you're you," Sangdo laughed, hugging Hojoon closely. Hojoon's heart was beating so loudly that it could probably break his ribcage at any moment now. "My Hojoon," he whispered in Hojoon's ear and Hojoon just clung to Sangdo for dear life. "My lovely, lovely Hojoon."

 

 

 

  
  


Hansol’s smile was blinding, Hojoon thought as he tightened his grip of Sangdo’s arm. It felt like his heart was about to burst. He was so happy for his friend.

  
Byungjoo and Hansol were both dressed in white tuxedos, sitting down at the end of a long table, holding hands. The ceremony had been fairly short and Hansol had told Hojoon he didn’t want anything too big. It was only their families and closest friends at the wedding. 

  
Hojoon had the honor to be Hansol’s best man, like Hansol had said months back. 

  
“You look happy,” Sangdo whispered in Hojoon’s ear and Hojoon turned to look at him, grin so wide and his eyes turning into crescent moons.   


“I am,” he said, leaning a bit closer to Sangdo. “I’m very happy,” he continued and Sangdo hummed.  


“Hey Hojoon,” Byungjoo suddenly said and Hojoon hummed, turning away from Sangdo to look at Byungjoo. “I hope you’re taking my spot tomorrow,” he said and Hojoon chuckled, nodding.  


“Hansol already talked with me about that,” he said and Byungjoo nodded, grinning as Hansol elbowed him, whispering an ‘I told you’ to him.   


“I had to make sure,” he said, turning his head to kiss Hansol. Hojoon smiled, leaning closer to Sangdo to rest his head on his shoulder. He had agreed to take care of Byungjoo’s classes at the dance studio, so that Byungjoo and Hansol could leave for their honeymoon.  


“They’re cute,” Sangdo whispered and Hojoon nodded. He laced his fingers together with Sangdo’s, squeezing his hand and smiled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The apartment was dark when they got back and Hojoon almost stumbled over his sneakers. Sangdo only chuckled, turning on the light so they could actually see something.  


“I told you to not leave your shoes on the floor,” he said but Hojoon just stuck out his tongue. It had been about a year since Hojoon stopped changing and they had been living together in Sangdo’s (now theirs) apartment for about half a year. “Do you have work tomorrow?” he asked but Hojoon shook his head.  


“Only Byungjoo’s classes in the evening,” he said, kicking off his shoes and taking off his jacket. After the changes stopped, Hojoon immediately quit his job and applied for a job in a cafe, the same cafe as Hansol. He was tired of staring at a computer screen and he just wanted to meet people.   


Hojoon looked at Sangdo as the other took off his suit jacket and he licked his lips. The white dress shirt he wore underneath was tight and god, he was hot.   


“You look so good,” he mumbled and Sangdo grinned, tossing his jacket to the side. Hojoon grabbed Sangdo’s collar, tugging it down to kiss him. Sangdo wrapped an arm around Hojoon’s waist, pulling him closer. The kiss got deeper, more eager, and Hojoon fumbled with the buttons of Sangdo’s dress shirt.  


“God you’re cute,” Sangdo said as they pulled apart for a few seconds and Hojoon just let out a small grunt before kissing Sangdo again, all buttons on his shirt undone. He pushed the shirt off Sangdo’s broad shoulders, tossing it to the side. “Someone’s eager.”  


“Less talking, more kissing,” Hojoon said and Sangdo laughed, sweeping Hojoon of the floor.  


“Bed first,” he said as Hojoon wrapped his arms around his neck and they headed towards their bedroom.

 

 

 

 

 

Hojoon cracked his eyes open, groaning as the sun blinded him. They had forgotten to pull down the blinds. He rolled over, pressing his face into Sangdo’s side and let out a small whine. He wanted to sleep at least a bit more.   


Sangdo was still fast asleep, snoring softly. After a few minutes of trying to fall asleep again, Hojoon gave up. He carefully got out of bed, grimacing as his body ached, and headed towards the bathroom.  


He turned on the water in the shower and as he waited for it to get hot, he looked at himself in the mirror. His cheeks were chubby, his lips pink and thin, eyes small and almost catlike. His hair was now short and black, which he liked a lot more than the blond. He smiled, tearing his eyes off his reflection.

 

The warm water felt nice against his skin and relieved some of the tensions in his muscles. He must have slept in some weird position again. He quickly shampooed his hair, rinsing it out and getting out of the shower. He should start making some breakfast.  


“You’re up early,” Sangdo said, voice raspy and rough with sleep as Hojoon entered the bedroom to get some clothes.  


“The sun was in my face,” he said and Sangdo hummed, sitting up in bed and rubbed his eye. “Do you want breakfast?”  


“That’d be nice,” Sangdo mumbled, yawning widely. “I’ll just take a shower,” he continued and Hojoon nodded, pulling a simple white shirt over his head.  


 

 

 

“Can I get a good morning kiss?” Sangdo asked when he walked into the kitchen, dressed but his hair still damp. Hojoon had just finished pouring up coffee in two cups, holding them both in his hands as Sangdo cradled his cheeks in his hands, gently kissing him.  


“What’s the point of asking if you’re just stealing one?” he asked and Sangdo chuckled, pressing another kiss on Hojoon’s lips. “Coffee?”  


“Yes please. But first I have to ask you something,” he said and Hojoon hummed, raising an eyebrow. “Let’s put these down,” Sangdo continued, taking both coffee cups and placed them on the kitchen counter. “It’s a really important question, so pay attention, okay?”   


Hojoon nodded, brows furrowing a little as Sangdo grabbed his hands.  


“Will you marry me?”

  
What.

  
“What?”   


Sangdo just smiled, eyes turning into crescent moons and Hojoon’s heart was hammering in his chest, beating so loudly in his ears. “I asked if you will marry me?”  


“I- You- Marry?” Hojoon couldn’t form a simple sentence and he could feel his throat getting thick and tears gathering in his eyes. “Y-you want to marry me?”  


“Of course I do,” Sangdo said, letting go of one of Hojoon’s hand to stroke his cheek. “I love you.”  


“I love you too,” Hojoon choked out, tears finally rolling down his cheeks.  


“So,” Sangdo began, drying Hojoon’s tears with his thumb. “Will you marry me?”  


“Yes,” Hojoon breathed, a laugh slipping past his lips. His heart felt like it was about to explode and butterflies were fluttering in his stomach. “Yes,” he repeated and Sangdo smiled warmly, leaning down to kiss Hojoon.

  
“I love you.”   


“I love you too,” he said when they parted and Sangdo smiled. “I love you so much.”


	2. Take my hand and never let go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sangdo is lonely and is missing someone who never stayed.

Maybe Sangdo was developing a type. Just maybe.  
  


“It sounds like you’re just making up names to get me to believe you’re getting laid,” Sehyuk said, raising an eyebrow.  
  


“I swear it’s not the same person,” Sangdo grumbled and Sehyuk hummed, not looking like he believed Sangdo the slightest. “I know they seem alike but they’re not, I swear on my life.”  
  


“Either way you have a type,” Sehyuk said and Sangdo sighed. He had a type, sure, but he wasn’t really sure exactly what his type was. It was just something about the last few guys he’d met that he really liked.  
  


“I guess,” he mumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose. He didn’t even know how he’d manage to sleep with guys who all resembled each other. “They’re just… They’ve been great but…”  
  


“But?” Sehyuk raised an eyebrow, leaning back in his chair.  
  


“They never stay the night,” Sangdo said quietly, looking down and Sehyuk snorted.  
  


“Did you expect to find true love at a nightclub, Sangdo?” he asked and Sangdo sighed, heart feeling a bit heavy and he shrugged. “It won’t happen, ever. Get real.”  
  


“I don’t-”  
  


“I’m not mocking you Sangdo,” Sehyuk cut him off and Sangdo looked up again. Sehyuk looked honestly concerned. “I worry for you. I know you’re lonely but there are other ways to find someone, ways that won’t hurt you.”  
  


“I know Sehyuk,” he said and Sehyuk placed a hand on his thigh, offering him a small smile.  
  


“I could always hook you up with someone if you want,” he offered and Sangdo just shrugged. Maybe he should try… it couldn’t be worse than one night stands.

 

 

 

 

 

It turned out to be worse than Sangdo had expected. So much worse than a one night stand. He had been exchanging some texts with the guy, Seungyeon, before agreeing to meet up. They had agreed to meet up outside a restaurant at five in the evening, and Sangdo made sure to be there at least ten minutes before, so his date wouldn’t have to wait. But his date never turned up.  
  


At 5.10pm, he sent Seungyeon a message, asking where he was. At 5.20pm, another message. At 5.30pm he sent the third message even though it was clear that Seungyeon didn’t plan on turning up. Sangdo sighed, sending a message to Sehyuk instead.

 

SD: he stood me up

SH: seungyeon?

SH: i will kick his fucking ass

SD: dont

SD: its ok

SD: i’ll just go to a bar or smth instead dont worry

SH: ok

SH: but be careful and dont drink too much?

SD: i wont

  
  


 

 

 

 

Sangdo's hands were trembling, desperate as he undid Dongsung’s shirt. He wanted to feel Dongsung’s skin against him.  
  


“Want you to fuck me,” he mumbled, pressing his lips against Dongsung's neck. Maybe he was a bit too drunk to think clearly, but he needed to feel… wanted. “Please,” he whispered as he leaned back a little, glancing up at Dongsung. Dongsung cupped his cheek, pulling him in for a kiss. It felt nice. God.  
  


“Do you have condoms? Lube?” Dongsung asked, sliding his hand down Sangdo’s chest, over his torso. Sangdo nodded, his breathing shaky.

  
“Drawer,” he said and Dongsung hummed, sitting back on his heels. As Dongsung reached for the condom and the lube Sangdo took the chance to check him out (again). He was really attractive, broad chest and shoulders, short brown hair sticking to his sweaty forehead. “Hurry,” Sangdo whined and Dongsung grinned, pouring some lube on his fingers.  
  


“I have to stretch you first,” he said, placing a hand on Sangdo's thigh, spreading his legs apart. Sangdo's breath hitched as Dongsung pushed the first finger inside him. It had been a few months since last time he bottomed and the feeling of being fingered was a bit weird. Dongsung added another and Sangdo arched his back as his fingers brushed over his prostate. “Is it okay?” Dongsung asked.  
  


“Yes,” Sangdo breathed, swallowing. “Please hurry up,” he begged. “Please touch me.”  
  


Dongsung didn’t reply, he just sent Sangdo a grin before pulling out his fingers. As he rolled the condom down his dick, Sangdo just laid back, staring up in his roof. He felt empty, cold, and almost lonely, even though Dongsung was right there.  
  


“Can I…” Dongsung broke Sangdo’s train of thought and Sangdo looked up at him, nodding. Dongsung licked his lips, placing his hands on Sangdo’s thighs again and the simple touch warmed Sangdo’s whole body. He carefully pushed inside and Sangdo let out a small cry. “Are you okay?”  
  


“Perfect,” he whispered, hands reaching up to wrap his fingers around Dongsung’s biceps. He needed to feel Dongsung, he needed to know he was real, he needed Dongsung to make him feel.

 

 

 

 

 

The first thing Sangdo heard when he woke up was a groan from beside him. It took him a moment to remember last night and something sparked in his chest. Dongsung had stayed. It shouldn’t make him this happy but… but it did. No one ever stayed the night and now it just felt really good.  
  


“Morning,” Dongsung mumbled, voice scratchy and Sangdo turned to his side.  
  


“Morning,” Sangdo replied, his voice equally as scratchy and Dongsung offered him a small smile. “Do you want breakfast before you leave?”

  
“That would be great,” Dongsung said, sitting up in bed and stretching his arms above his head. Sangdo nodded, slowly getting out of bed. He quickly grabbed a shirt and a pair of underwear, getting dressed before leaving the bedroom.  
  


Breakfast wasn’t anything big or exciting, Dongsung was a nice guy who worked as a vocal coach. He was very easy to talk with, Sangdo noted. After breakfast, Dongsung quickly gathered his stuff and left the apartment. It was only when the door closed and Sangdo was left in the ringing silence that he realized something.  
  


He didn’t ask for Dongsung’s number… and Dongsung didn’t ask for his number.  
  


He swallowed. He had liked Dongsung… maybe not enough to jump straight into a relationship with him but… but he wouldn’t mind getting to know him. Sangdo’s chest tightened. He should have asked but was he really not that likable? Why didn’t anyone stay?  
  


God he shouldn’t be like this, this was pathetic.  
  


He rubbed his eyes, taking a deep breath before heading towards his bedroom to get his phone. He had two missed calls from Sehyuk and a few messages.

 

SH: are you ok?

SH: pls tell me you got home last night

SH: goddammit sangdo i hope youre asleep and not dead

SD: im okay, got home safe last night

 

Sangdo sighed, placing his phone to the side to start changing his sheets. He gathered up all his dirty sheets, grimacing a little at the faint smell, and brought them all to the washer. He pressed ‘start’ and sat down in front of the washer, watching as water was filling up.  
  


He pulled up his knees to his chest and rested his chin on them, watching as the washer started spinning. His heart squeezed. Most of his friends, at this age, had someone and he just… he felt lonely. Jealous and lonely.

 

 

 

 

Sangdo knew he had to stop bringing guys home, he needed to stop temporarily mending his wounds and then tearing them open. But there was something about this guy… Something that reminded him of Hojoon.  
  


Hojoon… Sangdo should probably not think about him that much but something about him just stuck to him.  
  


Something about him was weird and his bracelet bothered Sangdo a little every time he thought about it. He had met a guy with the same bracelet at a cafe, but that Hojoon and the green haired Hojoon was most certainly not the same. But the bracelet was and it bothered Sangdo. Of course there could be another Hojoon with a bracelet from the same place but… He sighed, turning to lay on his back and stare up into the roof. Something was really bothering him.  
  


What was going on? Why was he still thinking about someone he only spent one night with? Someone who never stayed.

 

 

 

 

 

Sangdo had no idea what he was doing, why he brought this guy home or why they weren’t kissing.  
  


The atmosphere was… serious… as they entered Sangdo’s apartment and Sangdo swallowed. This was a first. He had never brought home someone this late without them being all over him… or the other way around.  
  


“Do you…” he cleared his throat awkwardly. “Do you want something? Tea?” He shook his head and Sangdo nodded. “Do you just… want to talk?” he asked and the guy nodded. God Sangdo didn't even know his name. They had made out and he had asked if they could go to Sangdo's place. Dumb as he was, Sangdo agreed. He would probably get murdered now. Great job Yu Sangdo, you won in life.  
  


“I…” he began, voice small and very careful, “I have something to tell you." Sangdo nodded slowly, not really knowing where this was going. "It’s going to sound completely mental and weird but please just-“ he sighed, “just listen to what I have to say before you interrupt me.”  
  


This was so weird and Sangdo felt very confused, but he nodded anyway. Why did he want to talk and what was he actually going to tell Sangdo? Who was he?  
  


“I’m Hojoon,” he said slowly and Sangdo frowned. Another Hojoon? What was it with him and meeting Hojoons everywhere? “And I… I don’t know what it is, a condition, a curse maybe but… I change appearance every day." This was just getting weirder by the second. He had to be joking, pulling Sangdo’s leg. People couldn’t change apperance, that was impossible. This guy had to be insane "I’ve met you a lot of times before and I… I’m sorry for pretending to be different people all the time. I was scared. I don’t meet people twice because of this whole appearance thing but then I happened to meet you again and again… and honestly, you’re so… so amazing and I just wanted to be with you. I’m sorry I was selfish.”  
  


Sangdo didn't know what to say. He just felt confused and lost. “I… what?”  
  


“I know it’s unbelievable but I… I have pictures and I…" Hold up, what was actually going on? Had Sangdo attracted a stalker? "I have your number too, you’ve given it to me a few times.”  
  


“So wait,” he said, holding up his hands. “You mean to tell me we’ve met before?” Hojoon nodded. “And I’ve slept with you… how many times?”  
  


“Four,” Hojoon said. What the fuck? “Hojoon, Daeil, Hyunwoo and Youngjun.”  
  


“Okay this is really weird,” he began. This was getting really, really weird and Sangdo honestly felt worried. “Are you some kind of stalker?”  
  


“I’m not,” Hojoon said quietly and Sangdo could see his adam's apple bobbing. Okay, so no stalker then… hopefully. Sangdo wasn’t too sure that he believed him or not. He could be a stalker. “I’m just… do you have anything in the morning?”  
  


Sangdo frowned. “No, nothing. Why?”  
  


“If I could just… If I could stay… I could show you… It usually happens around five or six…” he said and Sangdo nodded, honestly at a loss of words. What could you say in this situation?  
  


“I… I honestly don’t know what to say,” Sangdo said truthfully and Hojoon nodded, looking crestfallen.  
  


“I understand,” he said, swallowing hard. “I mean, it’s not really natural so I… I understand…” He looked really nervous and Sangdo could understand why. “Maybe I should just… just leave,” he mumbled, slowly standing up.  
  


“No, wait," Sangdo suddenly said and Hojoon halted his movement. He turned his head to look at Sangdo, eyes wide. It was something... something in those eyes that made Sangdo's heart do a little flip.  
  


“You can stay…” he said slowly and Hojoon nodded, sitting down in the couch. God he was so desperate for company. He was pathetic. This guy could literally be a stalker and Sangdo invited him to stay the night. Great going Sangdo. “I mean… It sounds pretty crazy yeah but… you can stay till tomorrow…”  
  


“Thank you,” Hojoon mumbled, looking down on his hands and fiddled with his fingers. Sangdo swallowed. Hopefully he'd done the right thing to allow Hojoon to stay. “Thank you.”

 

 

 

 

 

Hojoon carefully shook him awake and Sangdo felt terribly disoriented. Where was he? What was he doing? What time was it? Who was he? It took him a moment to remember what had happened before he fell asleep.  
  


“Is it happening?” he asked and Hojoon nodded, moving further away from him on the bed. “It’s not… gory… right?” He had to make sure. He'd seen way too many horror movies involving gore and snapping bones. But Hojoon shook his head.  
  


“No,” he said. “Not at all.” Sangdo nodded, his heart feeling at ease. Hojoon looked nervous, his fingers drumming against his thigh and Sangdo eyed him from head to toe once before the change actually happened. He had been sceptic, not believing Hojoon at all but what he saw in front of him... that was real. He rubbed his eyes, making sure he wasn't actually just seeing things.  
  


The Hojoon Sangdo had brought home had wide shoulders and a broad chest, short black hair and pointy ears. This Hojoon was smaller, his shirt too big for him now with longer dark brown hair. Sangdo could almost see how nervous he was and he understood him. This was definitely not normal.  
  


Then he finally looked up at Sangdo, his hair almost covering his eyes and Sangdo's heart did another little flip. Sangdo honestly didn't know what to say. This was weird, yes, but if this was the case and he had been meeting with Hojoon a lot often then...  
  


“I-I know it’s weird..." Hojoon began, "b-but-”  
  


“Does this happen every morning?” Sangdo asked, cutting him off and Hojoon nodded, biting his lip. Sangdo pressed his lips together, moving closer to Hojoon. He carefully reached out to take Hojoon’s hand. It was so, so small now. “Let me just… get things straight,” he began and Hojoon nodded. “We’ve met before?”  
  


“Yeah… a few times…” Hojoon mumbled, avoiding eye contact and Sangdo bit his lip, nodding slowly.  
  


“And… you have my number?”  
  


“Remember the coffee shop… I… I was wearing my bracelet... “  
  


“Oh…” Sangdo nodded, he remembered that. “Yeah… I thought it was odd.” He let out a little chuckle. It had been very weird and left him a bit confused. He could see a small smile bloom on Hojoon's lips and his chest felt warm. Maybe they should try. They could always try.  
  


“Let’s try,” Sangdo said, giving Hojoon’s hand a squeeze. It couldn't be worse than one night stands... or blind dates. Hojoon furrowed his brows, as if he didn't really understand what Sangdo was trying to say “Let’s try having a relationship," he clarified and Hojoon's eyes went wide.  
  


“But the co-”  
  


“Yes, the condition… it doesn’t change your personality though and I’m willing to try being with you," Sangdo said. He still hadn't grasped this whole thing... but company... company was always nice and maybe something good would come out of this. Maybe.  
  


Hojoon's grip of Sangdo's hand tightened, his eyes getting a bit glossy and Sangdo couldn't help but smile. He was so cute. Hojoon nodded. “Let’s try.”

 

 

 

 

 

It broke Sangdo’s heart to see Hojoon crying his eyes out in the bathroom. He couldn’t imagine how Hojoon felt, because it must be hard to always change appearance like this and Sangdo wanted nothing more than to comfort him.  
  


“Are you feeling better now?” Sangdo asked as he picked up Hojoon’s now empty plate. Hojoon looked down on his hands but nodded.  
  


“I’m sorry,” he mumbled and Sangdo sighed, placing down the plates on the counter and turned around. Hojoon had gotten up from the chair and was standing right beside Sangdo, looking at him with sad eyes.  
  


“Don’t be,” he said and Hojoon bit his lip. “I understand and it’s okay.” Hojoon nodded again and Sangdo reached out to take his hand. The weirdest thing about all these changes weren't really the fact that Hojoon's face was always different, the weirdest part was how different his hands were all the time. Today they were equal in size with Sangdo's, yesterday they had been bigger and the day before that they had been super tiny.  
  


"I'm just..." Hojoon trailed off, sighing. "I hate this, I really really hate this. I-I just want to recognize myself when I see my reflection in the morning. I want my family to-” he cut himself off, swallowing. Sangdo squeezed his hand, just allowing Hojoon to rant. “I want my family to recognize me and not have to tell them how I look every day. I want to be able t-to have a normal job and meet people and have friends…” his voice was beginning to sound thick and his eyes were glossy. “I-I just want to be normal,” he whispered, his lips trembling.   
  
  
Sangdo hummed, stroking Hojoon’s hand with his thumb. “I-I’m sorry,” he said after a moment of silence. “I’m s-sorry I’m just ranting.”  
  


"Don't worry about it," Sangdo said, squeezing his hand again. "It's okay." Hojoon nodded, biting his bottom lip. "Do you think you can just wash these off and I'll pack my stuff?" he asked, motioning to the dishes and Hojoon nodded again, cracking a small smile this time.

 

 

 

 

 

Hojoon's kitchen didn't look that different from Sangdo's and it didn't take Sangdo that long to get used to it. The apartment was pretty small, enough space for one person and with two it almost felt a bit crowded. Not that it bothered Sangdo. Not at all.  
  


Agreeing to try with Hojoon had been a good idea, it was an excellent decision. He was a lot happier these days and he actually had something to look forward to getting home to. Hojoon was a great person, bubbly person when you got past all his walls.  
  


Sangdo could hear Hojoon's footstep, padding over the floor and he turned around. “Good morni- oh,” he cut himself off. The first thing he saw when Hojoon entered was a mop of white hair and a pair of big, round eyes. It took him a moment to process everything but suddenly it clicked. This guy looked very familiar. “You-“  
  


“I know,” Hojoon almost snapped, sitting down at the table. “This has never happened before,” he continued, hiding his face in his hands. Sangdo hummed, turning away from the stove. He went to the table.  
  


“I’ve noticed something though,” he began. Hojoon looked up from his hands, brown eyes wide and Sangdo gently pulled him up on his feet again, cradling his face. He blinked again and Sangdo's heart did a little backflip. God he was so cute. “Even though your whole face changes, there are things that don’t," he continued, a warm smile blooming on his face.  
  


“Really?” Hojoon whispered, his voice small and careful. Sangdo hummed, caressing Hojoon's cheekbones with his thumbs.  
  


“Yeah,” Sangdo hummed. “The look in your eyes and your voice is always the same,” he said, leaning closer to kiss Hojoon. Hojoon moved his lips slowly against Sangdo's, hands almost desperately clinging to Sangdo's shirt. “And despite your appearance, you’re still Hojoon,” he continued when they parted, his thumbs still caressing Hojoon's soft cheeks. “My Hojoon.”  
  


Hojoon swallowed and Sangdo's smile widened a little. He moved his hands to the back of Hojoon’s head, stroking his hair.  
  


“I can’t believe you were taller than me yesterday,” he said, taking a step back and eyed Hojoon from head to toe. His heart fluttered. “I could probably fit you in my pocket today.” Hojoon stuck out his tongue, but laughed when Sangdo cradled his face in his hands again and leaned in to kiss him. Sangdo really liked the sound of Hojoon’s laugh.

  
"Don't you have to start getting ready for work?" he asked when they parted and Sangdo hummed, kissing him again. “You shouldn’t be late.”   
  
  
“No,” Sangdo agreed, pinching Hojoon’s nose and Hojoon scrunched his nose in response. “I’d rather stay home with you though.”   
  
  
“I’m sure you would,” Hojoon said, raising an eyebrow. “But you need to show up at work to keep it.”   
  
  
“True.”   
  
  
“I could meet up with you after work though,” Hojoon said and Sangdo nodded, smile stretching his lips. “We could take a walk or something.”   
  
  
“That sounds nice,” Sangdo said, stealing one last kiss from Hojoon before leaving the kitchen to get dressed.

 

 

 

 

Sangdo woke up to an empty bed, but that happened almost every morning. Sangdo had been staying in Hojoon's small apartment for a few weeks now and they had developed this routine so easily. Sangdo sat on the edge of the bed, stretching his arms above his head and yawning widely. He could hear pots clanking in the kitchen and he smiled, standing up. On his way out of the bedroom, he just grabbed a simple, gray shirt and slipped it over his head.  
  


“You’re looking handsome today,” he said as he passed Hojoon in the kitchen. He was wearing his favorite black hoodie, that was way too big for him but he looked cute. He was almost glaring at the eggs in the pan, so focused and Sangdo chuckled.  
  


“Thank you,” Hojoon said, grimacing a little. Sangdo tilted his head a little, to get a better look on Hojoon's face. His cheeks were a bit chubby, his lips thin, his nose straight and his hair short and blond. He looked very handsome and very cute.  
  


“We’re going to your parents house tomorrow, right?” Sangdo asked and Hojoon hummed, poking the eggs in the pan a little with the spatula. “Do I need to wear a suit?”  
  


Hojoon looked up from the eggs, raising an eyebrow. “Why would you wear a suit? It’s just dinner,” he said, small smile on his lips and Sangdo laughed.  
  


"I feel like I have to impress your parents and brothers," he said and Hojoon snorted, rolling his eyes as he looked back at the eggs. "What?"  
  


"You don't have to worry about my parents and concerning my brothers, you just have to bribe them with candy," Hojoon said and Sangdo laughed again, wrapped his arms around Hojoon's waist, pressing his cheek against Hojoon's shoulder. "They're children, I swear."  
  


"They sound cute," Sangdo said, pressing a kiss on Hojoon's shoulder.  
  


"They're very cute," he confirmed, flipping the eggs.  
  


“You’re cute too,” Sangdo said, resting his chin on Hojoon’s shoulder as Hojoon continued to cook breakfast, not planning on letting go of his waist until he was done cooking.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hojoon always took longer in the bathroom during the evenings, Sangdo knew that but tonight he was taking way longer than usual. It was a bit worrying. He usually just spent time looking at himself, getting a good look of how he looked like and Hojoon had told him once that he sometimes imagined staying like that. He sometimes just looked at himself, pretending that he was normal.  
  


When Hojoon finally returned from the bathroom, he looked happy. Radiant. So beautiful that Sangdo almost forgot how to breathe.  
  


“You okay?” Sangdo asked, just to be sure, as Hojoon crawled under the covers, quickly snuggling close to Sangdo.  
  


“Yeah,” Hojoon replied quietly. Sangdo hummed, placing his hand on Hojoon’s head, gently threading his fingers through his blond hair. Hojoon let out a small, content sigh and Sangdo looked down at him, small smile tugging on his lips. “I’m okay like this right?” he suddenly asked, voice a bit raspy and Sangdo furrowed his brows. “I'm okay as me, right?” He smiled again, his heart beating loudly in his chest.  
  


“Of course you are,” Sangdo replied and Hojoon cracked his eyes open to look at him. “I-" Sangdo cut himself off quickly. "You’re perfect as you are,” He said instead and Hojoon smiled, closing his eyes again. Sangdo swallowed. Had he almost said 'I love you' to Hojoon?  
  


“Thank you for… for everything Sangdo,” he mumbled, trailing his fingers up Sangdo’s bare side. It didn't take long until Hojoon's breathing evened out and Sangdo was left alone and awake, just staring at Hojoon.  
  


He was in love with Hojoon. He was so in love with Hojoon.

 

 

 

 

 

For once, Sangdo didn't wake up alone. He woke up beside Hojoon... the same Hojoon. Sangdo's eyes widened and he stared at Hojoon. He was still deep in sleep, soft snores slipping past his lips.  
  


He looked the same as yesterday. Round, cute cheeks, thin lips parted and short blond hair covering his forehead. Sangdo's heart was pounding in his chest and he just carefully reached out to take Hojoon's hand. It was smaller than Sangdo's, the same as yesterday.  
  


After what felt like eternity, Hojoon's eyes fluttered open. It took him a few seconds to focus his eyes and when he did, he stared right at Sangdo.  
  


"H-how… How do I look?" he asked. He looked scared and Sangdo could understand him. He let go of Hojoon’s hand and gently placed it on Hojoon's cheek, stroking his cheekbone with his thumb. "The same," he finally said and he watched as Hojoon slowly let the words sink in. He widened his eyes, staring at Sangdo.  
  


"What?" he finally asked and Sangdo just smiled.  
  


"You look like you," he said, continuing to caress Hojoon's cheekbone with his thumb. "You look like Hojoon. My Hojoon."  
  


"S-so I-" Hojoon's throat began to feel thick and he swallowed hard. "I look the same as yesterday?" he asked, voice so small and Sangdo nodded. A sob slipped past Hojoon's lips and Sangdo could see tears gathering in his eyes. He smiled softly and gently dried some tears off Hojoon's cheeks.  
  


"Don't cry, beautiful," he said and Hojoon sobbed again.  
  


"Do I really look the same as yesterday?" he asked and Sangdo hummed, wiping some of Hojoon's tears off his face.  
  


"Straight nose," he said, running his fingers over Hojoon's nose and Sangdo's heart fluttered. "Beautiful brown eyes," he continued, staring straight into Hojoon's eyes. He was so beautiful and Sangdo was so in love. "Defined jawline," he grinned and gently traced Hojoon's jaw with his fingers, "and thin, pink lips," he finished, inching closer so he could press his lips against Hojoon's.  
  


“Do you think I’ll always look like this?” he asked when they parted, lacing his fingers with Sangdo’s. “Do you think it’s over?”  
  


“I don’t know,” Sangdo said truthfully. He couldn't lie to Hojoon. It would be wrong of him to get Hojoon's hopes up and then have them smashed. “I guess we’ll see tomorrow.”  
  


Hojoon swallowed, sadness washing over his face and he averted his eyes.  
  


“Hey,” Sangdo said, and Hojoon's eyes flickered back to look at him. This was it. He was going to tell him. “I still love you.”  
  


Hojoon blinked, slowly letting Sangdo’s words sink in. “What?” he asked in disbelief. Sangdo was so nervous. Was it too early? He tried to not show it, just smiling at Hojoon.  
  


“I said I still love you,” he repeated, squeezing Hojoon’s smaller hand gently. “It doesn’t matter if you continue to change appearance tomorrow, you’re still Hojoon. My Hojoon," he said and Hojoon felt tears sting in his eyes. “Don’t cry,” Sangdo said, letting go of Hojoon’s hand to place it on his cheek. “Please don’t cry.”  
  


“I-” He choked on a sob, tears finally escaping his eyes and Sangdo gently dried them off with his thumb. “I love you too,” he whispered, his vision blurry as he looked at Sangdo. “I love you too.”

 

 

 

 

Sangdo opened his eyes, blinking rapidly as he tried to focus. "Sangdo," Hojoon said and Sangdo focused his eyes on him. He looked the same. Blond with round cheeks.

  
"Hojoon?" he asked, slowly sitting up and rubbed his eyes. "You-" he said but Hojoon cut him off with a tight hug, almost cutting off Sangdo's air supply.  
  


"I still haven't changed," he cried into Sangdo's chest and Sangdo wrapped his arms around him. "I'm- I'm..." he struggled to find the right words. Sangdo just gently stroked his back, giving him the time to find his words. "I'm me."  
  


"Of course you're you," Sangdo said, laughing and hugged Hojoon a bit tighter. "My Hojoon," he whispered in Hojoon's ear and Hojoon just continued hugging Sangdo close, sobbing into his chest. "My lovely, lovely Hojoon."  
  


"I love you," he choked out and Sangdo's heart fluttered. He moved one hand from Hojoon's back to his head instead, gently stroking his blond hair.  
  


"I love you too," he whispered, his throat suddenly feeling thick. They remained like that for a while, just hugging each other quietly. At last Hojoon let go off Sangdo, leaning back a little and Sangdo loosened his grip around Hojoon. His eyes were red from all the crying and his cheeks damp. Sangdo smiled and began to dry the remains of tears away from Hojoon’s cheeks.   
  
  
“No more tears,” he said quietly and Hojoon sobbed again, more tears rolling down his cheeks. He laughed, drying the tears away. “What did I just say?” he asked, his heart swelling in his chest. He loved Hojoon so much he might actually explode.   
  
  
“I-I-I’m sorry,” Hojoon stuttered, a choked laugh sob slipping past his lips. “I’m j-just so happy.”   
  
  
“I know, baby,” Sangdo said, cradling Hojoon’s cheeks and leaned closer to kiss him. “I know.”

 

 

 

 

 

"So..." Sehyuk began, awkwardly, and Sangdo felt terribly awkward. Why was he feeling so awkward with Sehyuk? He shouldn't. But he also should have told his best friend that he was dating someone when they started dating, not like two and a half months later. "You've been dating and living with some guy for almost three months now?"  
  


"Yeah," Sangdo said, avoiding Sehyuk's gaze. He felt really bad for not telling Sehyuk but what should he have done? He couldn't tell him and then just not let Sehyuk meet Hojoon. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you... it's..." he licked his lips. "It's complicated."  
  


"Alright..." Sehyuk said slowly, raising an eyebrow. "But I do get to meet him right? Now that you've told me about him."  
  


"I told him to come here after work," Sangdo said and Sehyuk nodded. "Please don't scare him."  
  


"Scare him?" Sehyuk pretended to look offended, a hand on his chest. "Me? When did I ever scare someone?"  
  


"You glared at a kid in the store last week," Sangdo pointed out.  
  


"Well that kid took the last kit-kat."  
  


"You made him cry."  
  


"I'm not that scary," Sehyuk pouted and Sangdo laughed, the atmosphere feeling lighter now. His phone on the table suddenly buzzed and he reached for it, unlocking it.

 

HJ<3: I’m about three minutes away   


SD: got it! Do you want anything?   


HJ<3: coffee would be great   


SD: i’ll get it for you   


HJ<3: thank you   


SD: see you in a bit

 

“He’s on his way,” Sangdo said and Sehyuk nodded, reaching for his coffee. “I’m just going to order a coffee for him, give me a second,” he continued and Sehyuk just shrugged, grinning as he took a sip off his coffee.   
  
  
When Sangdo came back with the coffee, Sehyuk just quietly looked at him, an eyebrow raised. “What?” he asked, furrowing his brows.    
  
  
“No,” Sehyuk said, shaking his head with a grin on his lips. “Nothing, nothing.”   
  
  
Sangdo raised an eyebrow, but just as he was about to say something, he could see Hojoon step inside the cafe. He raised a hand and as soon as Hojoon turned around, his eyes fell on Sangdo. His whole face was shining and Sangdo’s heart began to beat a little faster.    
  
  
“Hi,” Hojoon greeted, a bit awkwardly, as he sat down beside Sangdo and smiled at Sehyuk. “I’m Hojoon, It’s nice to meet you.”   
  
  
“I’m Sehyuk,” Sehyuk said, reaching out his hand to shake Hojoon’s. “It’s nice to finally meet you. Sadly, Sangdo hasn’t talked about you a lot.”   
  
  
Hojoon grimaced. “Yeah I know, it’s… it’s my fault. I didn’t want him to tell you in the beginning…” he bit his lip and glanced at Sangdo. Sangdo cleared his throat.   
  
  
“I got you some coffee,” he said, handing Hojoon the cup and Hojoon took it with both hands, flashing Sangdo a wide smile.  
  


“So…” Sehyuk began, leaning forward a little. “I’m quite intrigued… why didn’t you tell me?”    
  
  
“Uhm… I… It’s not really my place to tell,” Sangdo said and Hojoon hummed as he took a sip off his coffee.   
  
  
“It’s going to… It’s going to sound really weird,” he began, placing down the cup on the table. Sehyuk raised an eyebrow but nodded. Hojoon quietly began to tell him everything, about his condition, how he and Sangdo met and every detail (almost every detail) there was to know. Sehyuk remained pokerfaced during the whole time. When Hojoon was done, he reached out to grab Sangdo’s hand, giving it a nervous squeeze.    
  
  
Sehyuk nodded, pursing his lips before looking at Sangdo. “I told you it was the same guy,” he finally said and Sangdo snorted. Out of all things he could say. Hojoon looked lost and Sehyuk looked amused.   
  
  
“What?”   
  
  
“A few months ago, I told Sangdo it seemed like he was just making up names even though he was meeting the same guy, turned out I was right,” he said, flashing Hojoon a warm smile and Sangdo could see Hojoon relaxing, offering Sehyuk a wide smile. Sangdo just watched as Hojoon and Sehyuk got into a conversation about computers, something Sangdo wasn’t too familiar with but he just sat there and smiled instead. He felt happy and relieved that Hojoon got along so well with Sehyuk, so fast, and that Sehyuk seemed to accept Hojoon so quickly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sangdo looked at himself in the mirror. He looked exhausted. His hair was messy and his forehead a bit sweaty  
  


"I love you," Hojoon said as Sangdo joined him in bed again after cleaning up. "You know that, right?"  
  


"I do," Sangdo said, looking at Hojoon. He was sweaty, hair sticking to his forehead but he looked gorgeous. Hojoon smiled, bright and glowing, and moved closer to Sangdo with a little grunt. He tucked his face into Sangdo's side and Sangdo's chest felt all warm. “I love you too. A lot.”   
  
  
Hojoon smiled, his eyes slowly falling shut and he let out a little yawn. “The wedding was nice,” he mumbled and Sangdo hummed, threading his fingers through Hojoon’s black hair. “They looked really happy.”   
  
  
“They did,” Sangdo agreed. “It was a pretty reception.”   
  
  
“It was,” Hojoon said, a little laugh slipping past his lips. “I want a reception like that… some time in the future.”   
  
  
“You do?”   
  
  
“Yeah,” Hojoon hummed, obviously very close to falling asleep now. “And just a small ceremony… invite friends and family you know?”   
  
  
Sangdo nodded, continuing to run his hand  through Hojoon’s hair. Hojoon let out another little grunt and Sangdo just chuckled. “You should sleep, you’re very tired.”   
  
  
“-m not,” Hojoon said, voice barely audible and Sangdo hummed in agreement.   
  
  
“You’re super tired,” he corrected himself and Hojoon whined, mumbling something that Sangdo just couldn’t understand. “Goodnight love.”   
  
  
“Goodnight.”   
  
  
Sangdo remained wide awake, staring up in the roof at the glow-in-the-dark stars and absentmindedly threading his hand through Hojoon’s hair. Hojoon’s breathing got even very quickly and Sangdo glanced down at him as a soft little snore passed his lips, smile on his face.   
  
  
Thinking about what Hojoon had said about a future wedding made Sangdo’s heart race. He turned his head, towards the drawer where he knew the little box with two matching rings sat. He swallowed, his heart racing even more and it felt like his heart was about to burst through his ribcage.    
  
  
He looked at Hojoon again, who was sleeping so peacefully. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he would ask Hojoon if he wanted to get married.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... where to start...  
> first of all, thank you so much for reading this. I hope you liked it!
> 
> I ended up struggling a lot with this, i dont even know why. I loved the idea so much but the result wasnt exactly what i imagined though... i hope it wasnt too bad (or that you found too many mistakes... ive tried looking for all mistakes and i hope i didnt miss any)
> 
> I want to give a big thanks to Karen, Shanti and Vibeke for helping me so much with this fic and giving me support through the whole process, i luv u all!


End file.
